Page 169 of The Sinner: James

My chest feels hollow.

“Probably. That’s why you have to enjoy it while it lasts. And don’t worry about Andy. You’ll find someone else.”

We lock eyes.

“How come you didn’t find someone else? Someone serious, I mean…” she says.

I swallow the last piece of eclair and take a swig of water.

“Who says they aren’t serious?” I comment, smiling. “They are. It’s just that my heart is no longer on the line.”

“I truly envy you.”

“You shouldn’t. It’s not something that I want to do. And it’s all there is right now. Other than that, I want nothing serious. I like my life the way it is, although I haven’t planned for it to be this way. I make the best of what’s been handed to me.”

“Don’t you get lonely?”

“No,” I deadpan. “And if I do, I stroll down the streets of Manhattan or go to the park or a restaurant. I spot couples dealing with domestic drama and people eating dinner together, completely disconnected from each other. Once in a while, I get a glimpse of a woman crying, and I mentally pat myself on my back for being wise enough not to be her.”

“What about those people who don’t act or feel that way. I see them all the time. Kissing and hugging, unable to keep their hands off each other. The little fuckers seem to be everywhere I go when I’m out and about,” she says, smiling bittersweet.

“You only see a snapshot of their lives. A lot of what you think you see is your imagination. You want to believe they have everything you don’t have in your life. You also want to believe their passion lasts forever, and it never does,” I say, deeply disappointed.

She looks at me with sadness in her eyes.

“I could say the same thing about you,” she says.

“What?”

“You only see what you want to see.”

“Yeah... It’s possible.”

“You sound like you’re still a bit broken because of him.”

“It may be, but I don’t feel any pain.”

“Don’t you miss what you had with James?”

The memory of him affects me deeply despite the walls I put in place to protect myself.

I look out the window and train my eyes on a young couple with a small child walking down the street.

“What I had with James was not what I thought it was...” I say quietly. “Or perhaps it was to the girl I was back when I knew little about men and life, and he tried to protect me from myself...” I say, shifting my eyes back to her and smiling softly. “But James is James, and he couldn’t fight his nature. In the end, I was nothing more than another girl for him. Perhaps a different flavor, a novelty––nonetheless, a random girl. It was bound to end. What we had couldn’t last for long, and he knew it. I wasn’t a match for him, but I didn’t know it then. He had to dance around the idea of me a lot, and that’s not who he is. That’s not how he lives his life. He knew he could crush me. In a sense, I was a soft butterfly trapped under his boot,” I say, smiling at the memory of us.

I drink the rest of the water and run my fingers over my lips while she studies me in silence.

“That’s who James was to me. So, anyway,” I say before taking in a quick breath and pushing his memory away. “What’s new with them? Have you heard anything about him?” I ask coldly.

“Nothing has changed. They still rule the town, and it’s the same as it’s always been.”

A bitter smile dips my lips.

“Of course they do,” I say quietly before she continues.

“He bought the building next to Red’s and expanded his business. The Casino is already open, and their business is booming. He’s on TV all the time, giving interviews. He also made Forbes’ billionaire list.”

“Hmm…”

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