Page 545 of The Sinner: James

“What tipped the scale?”

She takes a long breath, leaning against the railing.

“What happened made me realize that as much as you want to do it right by me, your life is not entirely in your control. And, and...” she says, raising her hand as I open my mouth to speak. “I know it’s not your fault. And I understand what you are trying to accomplish, and I’m standing by your side.”

“Are you?”

“Yes, I am. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be here.”

I slip my hands into my pockets as I wait for her to continue, not knowing where she’s going with this.

One thing I know, though.

She’s not taking me to a good place.

She searches my eyes.

“I went to another doctor...” she starts and pauses, waiting for my reaction.

My eyebrows lift in surprise.

“What kind of doctor?”

“A specialist in New York. I wasn’t questioning the findings of your doctor here in Monte Carlo. That’s not why I went there. I wanted a second opinion and also to confirm a suspicion of mine.”

“Okay,” I mutter, my eyes locked with hers.

“There’s nothing wrong with me, physically speaking, but there is a problem with me anyway.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Something hampers my chances of getting pregnant.”

“I don’t understand.”

A bitter smile clings to her lips.

“It’s the stress created by the distance between us and the fact that you keep leaving me. It works against me.”

I try to make sense of all this.

“I’m anxious when I’m away from you, James,” she says.

“You could always be here with me if you wanted to.”

“I could, but I’m not sure it would help us. You need to focus on your work, while I need to do more than just wait for you. So, I thought long and hard, and the best thing to do is to give you space and time to finish your work.”

“What are you saying, Rain?”

She weighs her words.

“I want you to bring your plan to fruition as quickly as possible. I also hope you’ll find Tiago. In the meantime, I want to spend some time alone and figure out a few things for myself.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

Her eyes fill with a sad smile as she closes the gap between us and quietly speaks.

“You don’t know that, but I'm lost for days every time you come to me, love me, and then leave. And I go through this every single time, only to end up alone.”

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