Page 401 of The Sinner: James

I take another drink and place the glass on the table before leaning back in my seat.

“I didn’t understand the mechanics of it back then, but the memory of it stayed with me, and I think it’s happening to me right now.”

“What do you mean, man?”

“There’s a window of opportunity with this business. And that is right now at this very moment. That’s why I was rushing to set everything up at once. But once I started doing it, things started to shift, aligning into something different. I can’t tell exactly what it is because I can’t see all of it right now, but my gut tells me I’m right. Many variables have come to life, pushing and pulling, and the faster I try to get everything off the ground before it all crumbles, the more accelerated the antagonistic process becomes. It’s a race against time and other factors that I can’t control. At this moment, these factors are not entirely known.”

“You’re not saying what I think you’re saying.”

“Yup. That’s exactly what I’m saying. I’m running a race, and the signs are not in my favor. The closer I get to the finish line, the more obstacles arise and the more factors are in play. When Ed invited me to his suite in Monte Carlo because he wanted to talk privately before having dinner with me, I had no idea he’d get married and have a child, but something told me it might be one of those unpredictable shifts. And sure enough, it was. He knew it too... He knew it would affect our lives but couldn’t see the entire picture. I don’t blame him. As I said, marriage and kids are part of life. I want them for myself. Why wouldn’t I want them for him or you? That aside, I needed a clue, and it came in the form of his news. He knew it would affect Rain. And it did, but that’s a much older story. My first clue was Rain. It all came insidiously. It wasn’t obvious. Nothing was clear. But I sensed she’d grown unhappy. And I don’t know if it was because of my schedule that had kept me away from home for so many months or some internal process that had affected her, but her life started to shift toward different things. Something else had unsettled her, and she kind of confirmed it to me, but it wasn't clear to her. She’s become more anxious these past few weeks since my absence put a strain on our relationship. She didn’t take Ed’s news well. I mean, she is happy for him, but she knows what Ed’s coming back home means for us. She thought she had it bad before these new developments, but now she is convinced she’ll see even less of me, and that’s a fact. It will happen. We argued last night, and she said exactly what I feared she’d say regarding our business, but I didn’t want to admit it to her. Besides, she–– like Ed–– doesn’t have the full picture, but she was right about our business. I’m taking a big risk right now, and I’m counting on hitting the ground running and not dealing with anything crazy before pulling the money out to cover the debt so that the business stays profitable. If things go as planned, the payout would be enormous. And then, and only then, I will cash out and give her the life that she wants... But I’m not thinking about that right now.”

A few moments of silence pass before I continue.

“I will ride this storm if it comes my way––the way I think it does. I can’t tell how much damage it will make, if any,” I add before pausing again. “Anyway, I hope I’m wrong.”

“How are things with Rain?”

“We’re good for now. I tried to talk some sense into her. As I said before, it’s more than meets the eye with her. I think she goes through some soul-searching experience and wants something different. It hit me when I saw Ed this weekend. He is completely changed. In a few short weeks, he went from the man who didn’t want to complicate Thea’s life to the man who is Thea Porter’s life. That’s how I realized I’m witnessing the same change in Rain. She went from the woman who had everything under control and could easily distance herself from me if she needed to, to someone who needed me like air. I see her torn. She’s battling those conflicting feelings that leave her angered and confused, and that makes her my weak link. I don’t want to lose my marriage, and for now, I did my best to explain these things to her, inject some confidence into her, and make her strong enough. But it’s too early to know if it will work or not. For now, it does, or that’s what I like to think, at least. There was no way I wanted to talk to her about my fears. That’s something only for your ears.”

“When it happens, if it happens, we’ll ride that storm together,” he says. “You can always go conservatively on the expenditures if you think it makes more sense.”

“I thought about it, but that would only prolong the uncertainty, so I plan to get a quick response from the market and see if it’s a viable business. If it’s meant to fail, it should happen fast. I’m not going to go full-on with all branches. I’ll get them up and running before pushing them further up, one by one.”

Silence fills the space for a few moments.

“I’m sorry to hear that, man... If there’s anything I can do to make this easier for you, just let me know. I can travel if you want me to.”

“No. I need you there. Take care of your family and our business, and keep an eye on Rain for me. All right?”

“Okay. I will.”

We hang up a moment later.

I set the phone down and look out the plane window. All I see is the blue sky and heavy clouds suspended in the air.

My mind goes adrift as I stretch my legs and sink back into my seat.

For some reason, my old man comes to mind, and flashbacks from the past. The day my mother left and the weeks after.

My father’s money problems, the uncertainty.

He spent most of his nights out while Lex and Ed kept me company at my place. That’s how I learned to pretend that everything was all right.

And then I remember the sparse encounters with my father, the apparent tension in his body, eyes, and words. The cryptic dialogue we occasionally had.

He never talked about his problems, let alone about my mother, but I knew something was wrong. I knew what was going on, even back then, when I had the attention span of a goldfish.

He eventually rode that storm––we both did––but he’s never been the same. If it was hard to live with him before, it got ten times worse afterward. He was never bad to me, but he wasn’t close to me, either.

And that’s how I learned... You might survive a storm, but you could lose everything that’s good inside yourself doing it.

* * *

RAIN

A gustof wind busts a window open, letting a squeal of rain inside the room.

“Shit,” I murmur, leaping out of bed and rushing to the window to close it.

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