Page 388 of The Sinner: James

“It’s great news,” I say, propping myself against the edge of the sink.

My voice contradicts me.

“You don’t sound too happy.”

“No, no. I am happy for them,” I say.

“I think it’s great, and it gives me hope,” she comments, adding a nude shade of lipstick to her lips.

I study her eyes.

“Seriously,” she says. “It’s like your mom’s story. I wish something like that happened to me,” she murmurs. “But even happening to someone else is great and gives me hope it could happen to me too.”

“Yeah... I guess so.”

My gaze trails to the floor.

“What’s bothering you?” she asks.

I tilt my gaze to her.

Her focus sharpens on me.

“Rain?”

“Well... It’s not very clear to me what’s bothering me. I guess it’s the fact that my old problem is now even more complicated.”

“What do you mean?”

“If Ed comes back home––and naturally he does because he wants to stay with Thea––James will need to replace him. At work, I mean.”

“Okay.”

Questions flicker through her eyes.

“He’ll travel even more. And things will get even more difficult for me.”

“He could hire people to do the work.”

“Of course, he could, but not at this point. He’s planned a huge international expansion, so he needed Ed there. He needed his expertise. That’s why he, himself, has spent so much time in Asia. These things need to be set up properly. Once they take off, he can step down. If he wants to, of course. I can’t just tell him I want him to stay home with me.”

Her stare lingers on my face as I try to make sense of my conflicting emotions.

“I don’t know why I feel so torn. I was happy for them when Ed broke the news. At the same time, I couldn’t stop thinking about James and me. I’ve buried myself in work at home. And I travel to New York from time to time to escape. At the same time, he only pops in two or three times a month. These past weeks, he’s spent a total of six days at home.”

“Can’t you travel with him?”

“Why would I do that? It’s his work. I’d be waiting for him overseas as much as I’m waiting for him at home. At least when I’m home, I do my own thing.”

“I see.”

She looks down, pondering briefly before raising her eyes.

“Listen... You’re probably getting yourself worked up for nothing. Not that you shouldn’t be concerned,” she says, gesturing promptly to stop me from commenting. “Your reasons are valid, but you’re forgetting one thing. You can’t control these circumstances, as much as you can’t control him or what’s happening around him, but you can always make plans for the future.”

“I hate making plans.”

“Me too,” she says, smiling. “But that’s not the point of all this… What I’m trying to say is that you're fueling your anxiety with thoughts about things that are not in anyone’s control. James will do what he needs to do. You can try to sway him one way or another, but he will only do what you want from him if he’s on board with whatever you want him to do. You can’t be with him all the time, but you can certainly make the best of your time with him. And you shouldn’t think of your time alone like big blocks of loneliness. Think of them like chapters of your books. Write something in them. If it helps, visit me in New York when he’s away. You can write over there, and we can meet in the evenings to have a bite and chat. I can tell you about my daily grind, and that, my dear friend, might shine a different light on your life.”

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