Page 299 of The Sinner: James

Tears stain my face.

“You despise me, then…? Because I slept with them?”

He shakes his head in response.

“No. No, I don’t. I still think it was one of the hottest nights of my life. They do, too.”

“Why did you act differently after that night, then?”

“To protect myself. As our time together was drawing to an end, I wanted to turn things around, but I quickly realized they were no longer in my control. I needed something from you, and you weren’t ready to give it to me. I knew it was my fault, so I stepped back and acted cold toward you.”

“You’ve never even asked me. How did you know I couldn’t give you what you wanted?”

“I didn’t need to.”

A sad smile tugs at his lips.

“You could no longer trust me, and that was understandable, but something worse than that had happened,” he says. “You no longer needed me. The days we’d spent in New York showed me your passion, boldness, and wisdom. You’d given me the best time of my life. You’d really had me. Owned me. Your body had. And your mind had, too. But your heart was no longer mine. It had been locked away, so you let me touch it once in a while before quickly pulling it away. At that point, I realized I had nothing to offer you. You could’ve easily scored someone just like me and gotten settled. That guy, David Moore. He would’ve done it in a second even if it had cost him half his wealth to get a divorce.”

He sucks in a long breath.

“Why are you telling me all this now?”

A soft smile parts his lips.

“I wanted you to know the truth. And after all this time, I also had to admit it to myself. You truly were that special woman to me, and I loved you from the moment I laid my eyes on you. And I loved you despite all the people that came between us. I was angry as hell because you chose to do what you did, but I knew I wasn’t any better, so my moral outrage was hardly justified.”

“How could this change anything?” I murmur, disheartened by his confession.

“Maybe it won’t. But if you’re angry with me, it should at least be for the right reasons, not something you imagined. I couldn’t stomach the hate in your eyes when we met last time. Those women you saw us with on New Year’s Eve... We hire women for events. Sometimes we take them home. Sometimes we don’t. Sometimes we end up in a club with other women. I’m not proud of myself. I’m just stating the truth. They weren’t special, or better, or something you weren’t. Also, I didn’t book that week in New York to humiliate you. I wanted to spend time with you. I wanted to give you a taste of how your life could’ve been with me. I was hoping you’d give me a second chance. I threw money away. Yeah, I did. But I didn’t do it to hurt you.”

We go silent for a moment, his gaze moving to the party unfolding not far from us.

9

RAIN

“When are you flying back?”he asks as I shift my position and look at the guests as well.

“Next Saturday.”

“Do you have a place to stay?”

“I rented a house...”

My voice trails off, and I suddenly feel downcast.

What’s the point of hearing all this now? We’re still hurting. Still missing parts of our souls.

Whether we want it or not, we live in the aftermath of a bloody war.

Our eyes stay trained on the people celebrating their time-tested love while we grieve the demise of our love story.

It’s so sad that I taste tears on my lips.

“Do you think there are fireflies in the woods near the lake this time of year?” I ask quietly.

He shifts his gaze to me.

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