Page 298 of The Sinner: James

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I say, trying to sound unaffected.

He puts his cigarette out, closes the small space between us, and stops in front of me.

His hands come to my neck, his fingers sliding into my hair, spurring tingles all over my skin.

My conviction starts to melt.

“You will listen to me one last time,” he says, his voice soft, calm, and undeterred. “The only reason I asked Eve to invite me here tonight was that I wanted to apologize to you face to face.”

He looks into my eyes, and all I feel is the pain I’ve harbored in me and the growing longing I’ve struggled with all this time.

“It won’t do anything for me,” I say.

I don’t feel anger as much as immense sadness.

“I’m aware of that… But I need you to know the truth. The whole truth. The things that I’ve kept away from you and had a hard time admitting even to myself.”

“Why now?”

He brings his fingers to my face and runs his thumbs under my eyes, brushing away warm tears.

“Because I’m the only one responsible for what happened to you. And I need to make it right for you and me.”

His words make me ache inside.

“Nothing happened to me, James,” I say, trying to deny the truth yet failing miserably.

Smiling bitterly, he slowly shakes his head.

“Everything happened to you. And it did because of my recklessness,” he says, remorseful.

He glances away, his lips curved into a nostalgic smile.

“Do you remember that night when you and Eve came to the Dark House?”

His gaze shifts back to me, his fingers gently trailing my jawline, his touch warming my skin.

“They brought you in… And one of my guys questioned you, and at that moment, I realized how beautiful you were. How pure and rare you were. And when I took you to my bedroom and had you only for myself, blindfolded… Do you remember that particular moment?” he asks, softly caressing my cheek.

“Yes, I do,” I murmur.

“Do you recollect why I didn’t want you to remove your blindfold?”

“It had made you uncomfortable,” I say, lost in his eyes.

He nods.

“Yes. I couldn’t let you see my eyes. If I let you see me, you would’ve known how fascinated I was with you. How easy it was for you to taunt me and seduce me…” he says, smiling warmly as if revisiting a memory dear to his heart. “You didn’t even have to do any of that. I was already smitten with you. It was surprising in a way because I’ve never felt like that for anyone before you. The thought that you hadn’t been with a man frightened me, and that was unusual for me. There were very few things I couldn’t control before we met, and with one smile, you took all that power away from me, disarming me completely. You came to me, innocent and trustful, showing me how much you wanted me and needed me. And you had me right there and then. I was captivated by the idea, but I was also fearful of what might happen. You were right. I didn’t know what to do with you. I didn’t know how to love you or how to be good to you. I’d never been good to anyone before. On the other hand, I couldn’t just let go of you, so I dwelled… The morning I abandoned you in the Dark House, I felt like a coward. I didn’t answer your texts because I knew you’d pull me back if I did.”

He pauses, his eyes glinting with emotion.

“And then fate wanted us to meet again––I knew it was bound to happen––and you seemed more determined than ever to make me your first man. And I went for it, changing you, tarnishing you, and making you more like me.”

He rests his hand on my waist, looking away for a second, and I touch his chest.

He locks my eyes.

“And yes… I hated you,” he says softly, his eyes glistening faintly as he recollects those times. “And it wasn’t because of how you were. It’s just that I couldn’t get a grip on how you made me feel, so I smashed your heart and crushed your dreams, dismissing your idealistic view of life. It wasn’t because I didn’t love the way you were. I did. I was mesmerized with you, but you also made me feel vulnerable. So instead of just loving that beautiful girl who wanted to be mine, I ruined her and dragged her down. And the more I did it, the more I missed her innocence and the angrier I became. And then, things spun out of control, and it all went downhill from there on. I started to lie to you, and I let Lex and Ed have access to you. You were right. They would’ve never touched you had I not allowed it.”

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