Page 269 of The Sinner: James

Disappointed, I continue.

“I wasn’t tainted when I met you, was I? And yet, you didn’t want me, did you? And then, when you finally made up your mind, you were furious because things didn’t go your way. And you got mad at me again when you found me in New York, trading my body for cash. Do you think I wanted to do that? Do you? Or do you think that anyone cared about me or gave a damn about me, my family included, when I didn’t have enough money to eat, let alone live? Is that it? Is that what you thought?”

He remains silent.

“Tell me,” I snarl, hitting his chest again.

“No, I did not,” he barks, uncrossing his arms, his voice broken as mine.

He briefly looks away to hide his eyes.

“I didn’t want other men, James. Not for sex and not for money. But I wanted to live. And after I’d left my parents’ home, I no longer had a life. But the thing is… I wouldn’t have had a life with you either.”

He bites the inside of his cheek, tears glistening in his eyes.

“Why did you do it, James?” I murmur, my eyes burning with tears as well. “Why did you have to do it?”

He tips his gaze down, avoiding my stare.

“You could’ve stopped Lex…” I say quietly, prompting him to swing his gaze up.

He reads my eyes for a moment.

I slowly nod.

“Yes. You could’ve stopped him. Regardless of how he feels about me, he would’ve never touched me had you said ‘no’ to him. You didn’t need to share me with them to prove a point.”

“What difference would it have made?” he rasps.

The broken glass slips from my hand, landing on the pile of shards on the floor.

“Yes. What difference would it have made?” I murmur. “You’re right. Probably none. Once upon a time, I was yours. And only yours. Pure, innocent. Untouched. And I wasn’t enough for you or good enough or perhaps bad enough for your taste. Now, I am. Yet you’ve changed your mind again, and you’d rather have the innocent girl chasing you around, but that is no longer possible.”

“It’s not that.”

“Is it not? What is it then?”

I search his eyes, and all I see is a deep-seated pain. And it’s older than me, from way before I became a part of his life.

“I didn’t want to leave you, James.”

“And yet you did...” he says, his voice loaded with regret.

He looks away from me to hide his eyes and pain. And the tension in his clenched jaw.

“There was no other way.”

His eyes gleam in the shadow, churning out another war.

“And why’s that?” he snaps.

“I knew––”

“You didn’t know a damn thing,” he cuts me off angrily, shoving his hands into his pockets. “You just made up your mind,” he adds bitterly. “You thought I was bad? Not trustworthy? Yes, I am. And yes, I was. I’ve always been that way. But even bad things turn good once in a while. You said you knew how I felt inside. Maybe you did. Maybe you didn’t. Had you known me, you wouldn’t have left me the way you did, or at least, you would’ve let me help you,” he says as I already shake my head in disagreement.

“Let me finish,” he barks. “My money was not your problem. I was your problem. And all you needed to do was to listen to your damn heart and give me a fucking chance. That’s the only thing you should’ve done. But you know what? I never expected you to do it. I knew how stubborn you were. And how driven you were to have it your way. How could you possibly know whether I’d get bored with you or not if I didn’t even know that? How? Tell me how. To me, you were that special woman in my life, and maybe I wasn’t ready for you, but you weren’t ready for me, either. Do you think that I wanted to teach you a lesson? Really? What about all the lessons that you taught me? You made sure I understood that I didn’t deserve a second chance because I was corrupt to the core. You didn’t trust me enough to let me redeem myself and prove myself to you. And you taught me that my money wasn’t good for you. You showed me that you’d rather live in a rathole than be with me. That you’d gladly sell your body to a stranger to live another day and also prove a point. You also taught me that for the right wage, you'd cross that line and fuck my best friends.”

My mouth falls open, my breath collapsing in my throat.

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