Page 203 of The Sinner: James

I chuckle, and his eyes glint with amusement as he notices my reaction.

I swiftly recollect how funny he is if he wants to.

Within moments, his smile dies out, chased away by a solemn thought.

“So what happened with your family?” he asks before locking his jaw, anticipating a reaction from me.

I stifle my emotions, revealing nothing.

“My father moved on, and it happened rather quickly, as expected.” I smile, disheartened. “He found a younger woman who didn’t have a lot of baggage, like my mother, and they live in San Francisco. My sister shacked up with a new man and lives in Boston. And my mother... Well, my mother spends most of her time in California. She has a new life and seems happy. And that’s about it.”

He mulls over my words for a second.

“What about you? Any plans for the future? School? A different... occupation?” he asks after a moment.

The word barely makes it to his lips.

“No. Not really. I’ve saved some money and made a few investments for the future. I want to do this for a while–hopefully not that long–and find a nice place to live when I have enough savings. A small house by the ocean, if all possible, where I’ll spend my time writing.”

His smile fades, his eyes glinting as if he just had an epiphany.

“What about love?” he asks, hinting at a conversation we had in the past. “You no longer believe in that?”

A faint smile tugs at my lips.

“People want to believe love is real,” I say. “Unfortunately, it’s only some short-lived need for someone else. That’s the only reason people ‘fall in love.’ When that need goes away, ‘love’ disappears, and they look for someone new ‘to love.’ People give you their love as long as they need you. I learned that from you too. You liked me but didn’t need me, so you couldn’t fall in love with me.”

His stare is fire and ice, but it’s true, so I look at him, unfazed.

“That’s why love hurts so much,” I continue. “I used to think that love was pure, selfless, and unconditional, a unique feeling someone had for someone else. And then I learned that it’s always conditioned upon something. That’s why it doesn’t stand the test of time. It’s fragile and unsustainable. It’s not real. You were right,” I say, neither of us smiling. “I was a fool. And you taught me well. I should’ve listened to you.”

I sigh.

“But it wasn’t all bad,” I continue. “In time, I realized that people who hurt me were my teachers, and they taught me what I needed to know about life. You were one of the greatest teachers of all.”

He lowers his eyes as if suddenly grieving before he speaks.

“So you have everything planned out...” he murmurs.

“Yes, I do,” I say resolutely.

He flicks his eyes back to me.

“What about a family of your own?”

“I don’t think it’s for me. Seeing my family fall apart put me through hell and only shed light on our misery. I don’t know what was worse. My dad’s indifference, my mom’s aloofness, or my sister’s jealousy?”

“So you’re strongly against marriage...” he tosses at me casually.

“You’re against it too.”

“Aren’t you too young to have your mind made up already?”

I shake my head.

“It’s better to know now than find out later. Marriage is not in my future, and there is nothing to convince me otherwise. Besides, I was too young for many things, and there was nothing I could do about it,” I say, and the light dies out in his eyes.

* * *

---