Page 67 of Our Hearts to Break

I miss you too.

River

Je vous aime.

Nate

I know this one.

Nate

Love you too.

He loves it when I speak French to him. Outside of my dad’s family, I rarely speak it. Every summer, we visited Quebec. Dad would go back and forth between Canada and the States for hockey while I stayed with my mom and grandparents. They hammered the language into my brain.

River

I’m here. Can’t talk. I’ll call you later.

I silence the phone and stuff it into my bag. On my way inside the rink, I force back the bile rising, willing the nerves to go away. You’d think I would be relaxed after my shower with Nate. But my raging anxiety has come back in full force.

I have undergone too many changes in a week. My parents discovered I’m gay. I inked a lucrative hockey deal with a hometown team. Nate got hurt. I kissed myboyfriendin front of thousands of people… and the world.

It will be okay.

Don’t freak out.

On my drive to Long Island, my dad updated me on the media frenzy. Most of the responses have been positive. Several dozen celebrities tweeted the news, offering their congratulations. Some said I was brave. Others wished me luck in my first season.

But I worry more about the less vocal people, like my teammates, who stop talking when I enter the locker room.

Hello, awkward, my old friend.

It’s so quiet I can hear them breathing. Thankfully, the tension doesn’t last long. One of the players closest to me—the top defenseman in the league—waves as he approaches me.

“Hey, River,” he says, offering his hand. “I’m Calloway Marshall. But you can call me Cal. Welcome to the team.”

I know, I want to say, but hold my tongue. My new teammates factored into my decision to choose the Islanders over the Rangers.

I shake his hand, grinning like an idiot. “Thanks, Cal. I’m happy to be here.”

Ugh, I sound like such a loser.

After Cal introduces himself, many guys share the same sentiments. A few give me shit about being a rookie and earning my spot. Coach Thompson shakes my hand. Three guys congratulate me on being brave and coming out publicly. Several players make faces at that or roll their eyes.

I figured some people would take issue with my sexuality. So, I need to address the group while I have their undivided attention.

“I’m sure you guys have heard the news,” I say loud enough for everyone to hear, including my new coach, the trainers, and everyone in the vicinity. “I don’t want you to feel weird around me. Just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I’m interested in any of you. I’m here to play the sport I love. Okay?”

“Yeah,” Cal says with a nod. “We’re good.”

A bunch of grunts echo around the room.

“I thought it was crazy brave for you to come out like that,” Donovan says, slapping his hand on my back.

Donovan Marsten, along with Cal, was one of the players who tweeted after the press release.

Coach Thompson moves beside me as the crowd disperses, back to business and preparing for practice.

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