Page 50 of Our Hearts to Break

“No, Ryan. You owe an apology to River,” she shouts, her voice shaking.

His head snaps to me, then back to my mother. He seems torn between us, but I know he will always choose her.

“River,” he says in a hushed tone, eyes pointed at his feet. “I was in shock.”

“You knew,” I say, moving in front of him. “How many times did you ask me about Nate? We weren’t together back then… but you figured it out. You had plenty of time to come to terms with my sexuality.”

His head lifts, and our eyes meet. “I didn’t want it to be true. Gays can’t play in the NHL. They will never accept you.”

“I’m not going public,” I say, the blood pumping faster through my veins, my heart racing. “No one will ever know.”

He shoves a hand through his dark hair to push it off his forehead and nods. Silence hangs between us, and the tension is so thick it’s palpable. Neither of us knows what to say or how to act.

Mom throws her hands onto her narrow hips, facing off with my dad. “Are we going to have a problem?”

He clutches her arm and pulls her to him, shaking his head. “No. Come home. Please.” Then he looks at me. “I’m sorry. I wish I hadn’t called youthat. I didn’t think. Guys call each other names in the locker room. It’s said more in jest, not… Well, you know. I’m sure you hear it all the time from your teammates.”

I understand where he’s coming from. Guys always make locker room jokes and call each other gay or other slurs. It’s because they never consider that one of them could be gay.

“I don’t want people making fun of you,” my dad says. “Or treating you differently. You have such a bright future in hockey. I don’t want all the hate to diminish your accomplishments.”

“Neither do I, Dad. That’s why I’m not telling anyone. Only a handful of people know about Nate and me.”

My mom angles her body, standing between us, and sighs. “I hate this, Ryan. Don’t force me to choose between you and my son.”

“I’m not. I would never.”

“Will you accept River the way he is? No more mean slurs or nasty comments?”

He hesitates for a second, and after a long pause, he says, “Yes. It will take me time to adapt. I might say the wrong things. But I will try to understand his choices.”

I want to tell him it’s not a choice to be gay but hold my tongue. My dad grew up in a very toxic masculine environment. Being straight was the only option for him.

Mom puts her hand on my shoulder. “No one can take what’s in your heart, Rivie. Whether or not you play hockey, we still love you. So does Nate. I can see it. He would do anything for you. And so would your father and me.”

“Thanks, Momma.” I lean in for a hug and kiss her cheek. “Go with Dad. We’ll follow you back to the house.”

My dad starts tugging her toward his black Maserati, but she yanks away from his grasp.

“Please stay for the weekend. It’s your home. You’ll always be safe there.”

“We have the meetings tomorrow morning,” Dad adds. “You should get some sleep… in your own bed.”

Nate leans into my side, glaring at my father, hand stuffed into my back pocket. My dad notices, his eyes tracking the movement, but he’s smart and keeps his mouth shut.

“Okay,” I agree, but for my mother’s benefit.

Once inside the car, I turn on the engine and take deep breaths. Blood rushes to my head. A whooshing sound in my ears grows louder by the second. Despite the chill in the air, my skin is slick with sweat.

“You don’t have to do this,” Nate says, putting on his seatbelt. “We can stay in Manhattan for the night and go to your meetings in the morning.”

“Will you go with me?”

Nate winks. “Of course.”

Earlier, he wanted nothing to do with the NHL meetings. But without him, I won’t get through the long day. I also want him there for when I sign on the dotted line. My decision impacts him, too.

We drive back to my childhood home in near silence. Nate drums his fingers on his knee to the beat of a rock song. He even sings the chorus. He has a nice voice, much better than mine, and I love it when he belts out the words as if no one is listening. I can’t carry a tune to save my life.

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