Page 26 of Our Hearts to Break

“Yeah, I get that.” Nate glides his fingers through his blond hair and sighs. “But you should have told me. I made a deal with the devil to save you… and you didn’t think enough of me to tell me the truth.”

My eyes narrow at him. “What deal?”

“Waters overheard us last night. He threatened to expose us if I didn’t get my dad to fix his grade. Now, I have to spend the summer on the ranch. And I can’t… I can’t back out, but I did it for you because I don’t want you to lose your shot at the NHL. I hate going home. But I wanted to save you.” He scrubs a hand at his clenched jaw. “And you thought nothing about me. You made that decision without speaking to me.”

“If you care about me,” I say, my voice shaking, “you won’t ask me to give up my dream.”

“I don’t want you to, nor think you should. I’m not worth it anyway.”

I clutch his cheek and force him to look into my eyes. “You areeverything. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you. I meant every word I said last night.”

“Don’t you see? It will always be this way. You should go. Run while you still can.”

We stare into each other’s eyes, lost in the moment until Dr. Swanson pulls us back to the present. “Nate, can we discuss the new development in your relationship with River?”

I had forgotten she was in the room, wrapped up in our intense conversation. We could have gone on for hours.

Nate doesn’t respond, too focused on me.

“Would that be okay?”

He sits straighter and weaves his fingers between mine, holding our joined hands on his knee. “I guess.”

“Last night, we took the first step toward being together,” I say since Nate is not in the mood. “I know Nate isn’t supposed to have sex, but he’s been doing well. He writes in the journal and has been controlling his urges. Neither of us has had sex since our last night with Samantha.”

“That’s good,” she comments. “Is the journal helping you, Nate?”

He bobs his head. “That’s how I figured out for sure that I like River as more than a friend. But I’m still pretty confused.”

“Confused how?”

“With my sexuality,” he admits, biting his bottom lip. “We went to a gay club last night. I liked it, which is weird. I’d never thought about other men… until I started noticing how much I liked seeing River naked.”

Dr. Swanson clutches a notepad on her lap. “It’s normal for people your age to start questioning their sexuality.”

“Yeah, I get that. I did a lot of research online.” Nate taps his foot, moving our hands in the process. “River doesn’t want to have sex with women anymore. I don’t know if I can promise never to want a woman again. And I’m afraid he’ll hate me if I change my mind.”

Herein lies the reason I hesitated to go all the way with Nate. Despite his feelings for me, Nate enjoys women too much to give them up.

Could I fuck women for him?

I have done it for years, using Nate and random women to hide my sexuality. But I don’t want to be his secret while he parades girls in and out of our lives.

“I can’t tell you what to do where River is concerned,” Dr. Swanson says. “Nor can I help you figure out your sexual orientation. However, I can help you work through the emotions you’re currently experiencing.”

Nate’s sad, brown eyes laser focus on me. “I’m fucking this up.”

“No, you’re not.”

“I can’t promise you anything, Riv. I don’t even know what I want.”

“It’s okay.”

I wish he were sure about us, but Nate has to figure this out on his own.

He sighs deeply. “I will hurt you.”

“You’re not giving us a chance. I went into this knowing you’re not gay. But I will take a chance and see where it goes.”

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