Page 43 of Our Hearts to Break

It’s not fair to him.

He’s too good for me.

He will find someone better.

No one canreallylove me.

Shut up, I tell myself, pushing the self-doubt into the corner of my mind.River loves you. Stop being an idiot.

It’s funny how you can know the truth yet deny it. In my heart, I know River loves me and will do anything to protect me. But my traitorous brain likes to trick me.

Dr. Swanson once told me, “Thoughts are not facts. Our minds are capable of conjuring the worst scenarios.”

She was right.

That woman always knows what to say and how to bring me back down to earth. Until Dr. Swanson, I hadn’t had a decent therapist. They all worked for my parents, using our sessions to relay information to them.

Sex is my usual coping method. But River is driving, those big hands I want all over my body gripping the steering wheel.

To distract myself, I whip out my journal. I have kept a log of every thought over the past two months. Dr. Swanson was right about this daily exercise. My entries started with sexual fantasies and then evolved into helping me understand my feelings for River.

River’s head snaps to me. “You okay?”

I nod. “All good.”

He grips the wheel tighter. “You don’t seem good.”

“No?” I slip on a pair of aviator sunglasses so he can’t see my eyes or read the lie written all over my face. “I’m fine.”

“I know what you’re thinking, Nate. You are so transparent. I’m not leaving you,” he says. “Never.”

“Yeah.” I flip to a blank page, balancing the journal on my knee. “I know.”

“Do you, though? Because I remind you all the time… and it still doesn’t seem to sink in. What must I say or do to make you believe me?”

Even before we started dating, I feared losing River. He’s the person who keeps me sane and grounds me in ways no one else can. Without him, I would be like a lost puppy wandering the world alone.

“I’m thinking about skipping law school,” I tell him. “So I can be with you on the road.”

It’s notifRiver signs with an NHL team butwhen. He is too good not to play in the league. Hence, teams are competing for his attention two months into the current season. While it’s not unusual for a player to sign outside the draft or free agency window, it doesn’t happen that often.

They are making exceptions for River. Because of his stats and talent. Because not signing him would be a fucking tragedy. Any team would be lucky to have him.

River is a star.

He was born to shine.

“Are you sure you want to do that? I don’t want you to give up your dreams for me.”

“It’s not my dream.” Clutching a pen between my fingers, I sigh. “My dad chose this path for me. I could give a damn about being a lawyer. I stuck with law, hoping to one day become your agent.”

River smiles. “I would love that. And you technically don’t need to be a lawyer. You only need a bachelor’s degree to get certified. The NHL Players' Association only requires you to have a player on an NHL roster, pass a written exam, and participate in a two-day seminar. Oh, and I think you need a state license and insurance. The usual business stuff.”

“But your dad’s agent is a lawyer. I just assumed… I’ve even read up on the top agents.”

He shakes his head. “If you wanna be my agent, finish your degree. We only have one more semester left.”

“But that would mean… You would be?—”

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