Page 65 of Silver Secrets

“No. I don’t want them.” Her voice shook and she forced herself to take a breath. “I don’t have it in me now. Maybe I never did.”

“What if I told you I didn’t want more children?”

Sloane shook her head. “That’s your grief talking. The way you are with Sage, the way you still talk about Mikey, you’ll feel differently in the future.”

“And you might, too. But that’s the risk we take when we open our hearts up to someone.”

She shook her head. “I meant what I said. No kids. Ever. I do not possess the skills to overcome the crushing anxiety that would come from having a child.” She’d never be comfortable bringing a child into the world after everything that happened to her. What she went through, it changed her. And sure, she’d found purpose again. She’d found some light. But there was a darkness, a fear always in the back of her mind, threatening to swallow her whole. She couldn’t bring a child into the world knowing she would never be able to give them all of herself.

Gage cupped her cheek, brushing away the tear that slipped down her face. God, she hated that. This wasn’t something she was ashamed of. There was absolutely nothing wrong with choosing to be child free. But the worry was there. Worry that she was taking something from him. A chance at having that happiness again. And she would never be able to forgive herself if that was the case.

“That’s okay, Red. Not wanting kids changes nothing for me. I want you. Ijustwant you. Exactly as you are right now.”

“This will never be a ‘maybe one day’ thing for me. I’ve felt this way for years. I’ve accepted it. There isn’t a single part of me that thinks about loud family dinners, or birthday parties, or feeling life grow inside me. I don’t want any of it.”

“Have you told me everything? This is everything you’re feeling about moving forward together?”

They sat in silence for a minute before she squared her shoulders and turned to face him. “I’m scared you’re going to say it’s okay, that you’re going to pick me, and then I’m going to give you my heart, and you’re going to resent me. That it will be something you can get behind now, but in a few years, when Gunner and Lily have five kids, and who knows who else is settled down around us growing their families, that you’ll start to feel the itch. And you’ll come talk to me about it. Butnothingwill have changed for me, Gage. I need you to understand that. I will not budge. There is no amount of time that will pass, no amount of children that come into my life, that will change my decision. And I’m scared that you’ll end up hating me for that.”

Gage stood, rubbing his hands down his thighs. She knew the words had to be said. It was better to clearly communicate everything she was feeling now so that the heartbreak down the road wouldn’t destroy her.

“Thank you,” she whispered. “For giving me last night. For being a safe place for me to land when I needed it. For opening up to me about your family. I’ll always cherish that, and I’ll always be thankful for your friendship. I don’t want that to change.”

“Fuck, Red. I’m not walking away right now. I’m trying to think how to get through that stubborn mind of yours!” He sat back down, his hand landing on her thigh. It was possessive, and that was comforting to her. Gage’s eyes dropped for a second to where his hand rested, then back up to her face. “Your job is to listen to people and hear what they truly mean in what they are saying. So listen to me now. I had a child. I was a dad. I loved every minute of it. I wish it lasted my whole life, but instead, it lasted only for his. There is a part of my heart that will never recover from that, Sloane. I don’t want more kids, either. Mikey is mine. Forever, and ever. But I can’t live with the constant worry of losing another child. I don’t want to do it.”

“You don’t?”

“No, baby. I don’t. I know we haven’t had this talk until right now, but I want you to know that I’m serious. And it’s not just because you have this position, either. Three years ago, I had a vasectomy.”

Oh, shit, she was blinking back tears. “So, what? We just embrace being the fun Aunt and Uncle to all our friends’ kids?”

“That sounds perfect to me. Spoil ‘em rotten, fill them with sugar, and send them back home to torture our friends. Yup. All of the fun, none of the worry. What could be better than that?”

“I don’t think there’s no worry involved. Remember when Sage ended up in the hospital with that fever? I waited for an update all night, worried sick.”

“That’s true. That wasn’t a fun night.”

Her hand settled over his. “Are you sure? You’re certain you don’t want to be a dad again? Vasectomies are sometimes reversible.”

“Bite your tongue, woman,” he joked, his smile falling after only a second. “I think I’ve known since the minute I lost them, Red. It’s not in the cards for me. I’m happy just exploring what life will look like with someone I love by my side again.”

Sixteen

The perfect replacement.

What the hell had that meant? The words stuck with Gage for days since Sloane had first said them. He’d thought that maybe it was something she was paraphrasing. Something she added in the heat of the moment. To Gage, a phrase like should change the profile the FBI had put together for the Lover’s Eyes Killer.

He’d spent hours pouring over the police report. Fifteen pages in, there in black and white, was the same phrase. She’d reported it back then, too. Who was she meant to replace? A wife, or girlfriend, seemed like the obvious choice, but something in his gut was screaming at him that it was all wrong.

Shit. Gage rubbed his temples. The throbbing behind his eyes was getting worse. Sloane had curled up at the end of the sofa hours ago, her feet gently pressing against his hip. It would be so nice to just scoop her up in his arms, take her into the bedroom and cuddle her while he slept off the brewing migraine, but they’d gone back to sleeping separately after that first night. She hadn’t had another nightmare, and he wasn’t about to waste any time. Besides, he couldn’t sleep even if he wanted to. What he’d seen in her file was going to haunt him for a long time.

Letters blurred on the screen. Christ, his head was killing him. Gage knew where things were headed, the constant pressure between his temples pulsating and growing with each beat of his heart. He quietly shut the laptop, pressing up off the sofa as gently as possible. It had taken Sloane forever to fall asleep, he’d hate to wake her up again.

After a few minutes in the kitchen, with a fresh pot of coffee brewed and now sitting in a large cup beside his laptop on the table, Gage slid on his glasses and went back to reading over the files. His stomach churned reading through Sloane’s statement. How many times had he been through it? Ten? Fifty? It didn’t matter. Not until every word in that file was memorized. He’d read it one thousand times if that’s what it took. Because then, he would be able to carry some of the burden for her.

“Gage?” Sloane’s sleep-filled voice trickled in from the edge of the kitchen. He wasn’t able to hide the grimace as pain shot through his head. “What are you doing? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I’m just looking over everything.”

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