Page 41 of Silver Secrets

He shook his head. “If I wasn’t deploying, they wouldn’t have been on the road then. It was my fault, Red. And every fucking day I live with that fact. I won’t… fuck… I can’t lose you too when IknowI could keep you safe. You just have to let me in. You have to tell me what happened.”

“It was someone with road rage. And as upsetting as that is, there isn’t anything else going on. I’m here, and I’m safe.” She tried to play it off like Gage was just talking about her own accident. But she knew he wasn’t. He was pouring his heart out to her, sharing the most emotionally devastating moment from his life, begging her to open up to him about why she was so closed off. But she couldn’t. She could never share that with anyone if she wanted to stay safe. If she wanted to keep the people she loved in Silver Springs safe.

“You don’t know what that’s like… and I’m so grateful you don’t. Honestly, no one should ever have to shoulder that sort of pain. It crushes you, a little more with each passing minute, until your only hope is to flip the switch inside your mind that numbs everything.”

He couldn’t be more wrong. Sloane knew that type of pain intimately, but it was her fault he wasn’t aware of that. She knew what it was like to feel responsible for someone’s death. To be forced to watch every last bit of their life force drip out of them. Her breathing picked up, painfully squeezing her chest.

Gage let go of her hand, and she shuddered at the loss of his touch. Her eyes dropped to the bracelet tied around his wrist. Three blue beads threaded through thin black rope. There hadn’t been a day that she could think of where he wasn’t wearing it. His fingers danced across the beads, as if touching them created a bridge between the two planes his heart existed on. He caught her eye as she looked away from his wrist.

“This was on the table when I got back to the house. Melody had been doing some crafts before we left for the base. They finished mine just as I was getting everything ready in the van. Mikey wanted me to tie it on right then and there, but I couldn’t because of the mission. I promised to wear it the minute I got back home. I was numb until I saw it, Sloane. It wasn’t even in my hand for five seconds before I was on the floor, crying so hard I thought my heart was going to come out of my body.”

“You’ve worn it since that day?”

He nodded, sniffling slightly before clearing his throat. “Mel was so good at crafts, the things they would make together never stopped amazing me. She specifically made this one out of rescue rope, with an adjustable slide tie, so I can take it off easily. But I don’t like to. Theirs weren’t finished, and once I got my wits about me, I sat at our kitchen table and tried my best to replicate the pattern. I put a pink bead, a blue bead, and a white bead on Mel’s bracelet and Mikey’s little bracelet got one pink and one blue.”

“One from his mom, and one from you.”

“Exactly. I wanted Mel’s to be a symbol of our family. The white bead for our baby boy who was now an angel, like her. I asked the funeral director to make sure they were wearing them, or that the bracelets were at least inside their caskets with them.”

“That’s really beautiful, and such a special way to still be connected to them. I bet your son would have loved getting to wear a bracelet his dad made him.”

Gage’s face crumbled. His shoulders shook with silent sobs as Sloane moved to sit closer to him, her fingers tracing up and down his arm to provide what little support she could. He sat back after only a minute, wiping his face with his hands. Gage sucked in a harsh breath and gave her the most heartbroken smile she’d ever seen.

“He was only two. My sweet, funny, adventurous little boy. He loved getting to sit on my lap whenever I worked on coding. I can still hear his little voice saying ‘Up Dada. Up see footer!’ It always made me laugh.”

“Footer?”

“Computer. He hadn’t quite gotten the hang of the word yet.”

“That’s adorable.”

Gage nodded. “He was Mel’s little shadow, but he loved curling up with me when I had my laptop out. I think the keystrokes were soothing to him. The only other person I ever saw him like that with was Gunner. Why he took to that grumpy bastard, I’ll never know. Thought he was Captain America or some shit like that. But Gunner ate it up. Every time we were with the team, for little celebrations or just a get together after a mission went well, Mikey would jump from my arms and run to him. They did this thing where Gunner would zoom around with Mikey on his shoulders, like he was a fighter pilot, and Gunner was the plane. The laughter that came out of my kid…” His chin quivered and he sniffed, but the tears stayed on his lash line as he continued. “The team all helped carry Melody’s casket, but only Gunner carried Mikey with me at the funeral. The other guys wanted to. They all loved him. But Gunner was his buddy. I think he’d be happy to know Uncle Gun gave him one last ride on his shoulders before he was laid to rest.”

Sloane had been trying so hard to keep it all in, to be strong for him, but that broke her. Warm tears toppled over her lashes and down her cheeks, splashing onto her lap.

“It’s clear that you and Gunner share a deep bond. The way he looks at you when you hold Sage has always been so pensive. I’m sure he’s remembering back to when he held Mikey like that.”

Gage’s eyes met hers. “I never thought of that before.”

“Your team loves you, deeply, Gage. You don’t have to hold back your feelings around them. Or around me.”

“It was always meant to be me, Sloane. I would have given anything to take their place. For me to be in that car instead of them.” His thumb circled the pulse point on her wrist. “I would have done anything for it to me driving tonight instead of you.”

“Don’t say that,” she whimpered.

“I was the one we always talked about dying. I left letters behind for Mikey when I went on my first assignment after we had him. In case I didn’t make it back. Mel and I talked all the time about the things I wanted him to have from my childhood, the things I wanted him to have when he was a little older. My grandfather’s pocket watch. The money clip that I had with me when Mel and I got married. But we never, ever talked about what happened if I had to go on without them. I didn’t know what to do with all of their things. Everything suddenly seemed so important. Mel’s clothes? Should I have donated them? What if I wanted to just feel close to her again, and I gave everything away that smelled like her? The same with Mikey. Would I ever want to see all the outfits he’d worn? Cuddle with the same beat up tiger he carried everywhere from the time he could walk?”

“What did you decide?”

He shrugged. “Kept it all. Well, whatever Mel’s parents decided they didn’t want of her stuff. The guys came and packed everything away while I sat on my back deck. I mean everything. Every hair brush. Every blanket. Every fork and every dish. I had kept a few pictures out, thrown in my duffle bag with the clothes I needed to just survive with. They took turns, coming out to sit with me, never letting me be alone, and by the time I was ready to go back inside, they had everything boxed and loaded into a moving truck. They left for a mission two weeks after we lowered their caskets into the ground, I processed out of the military, and I’ve never been back. Not for one of Mel’s sweaters. Not for Mikey’s tiger.” His voice broke. “I’ve never been back.”

“There’s still so much time, Gage. Your heart will know when you’re ready.”

“I don’t think I’ll ever be.”

“If it brings you comfort to know that it’s there, then that’s what matters. So much was out of your control. You can give yourself grace with still wanting to hold on to their things.”

“So was tonight, Sloane. I hated it. Your car’s going to be totaled…”

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