Page 44 of Letters to the Lost

“When did you grab him?” I ask.

“Just before we left, you were stuck in your own head the whole time. But I was thinking you could put him in with her, so you can have a part of one another.”

“Thank you,” I tell him, taking the brown bear with my spare hand. Holding him to my chest for the final time with Chlo’s ashes.

Nobody tells you that when you lose someone, you lose them a second time when you lay them to rest. It is easy enough to convince yourself they aren’t truly gone and it’s not until you are looking at the cedar wood box containing them for the final time that your heart truly shatters.

Atlas catches me as my legs give out from under me, the grief I tried so hard to push aside slamming into me with such force it hurts to breathe. My breaths come in choppy pants, like the waves at sea in a storm, and my tears splash onto the box in my hands, staining the wood.

“Are you ready to do this, Princess?” Zander asks, wiping the dirt from his hands.

“I have to,” I manage to hiccup, around my tears.

“We’re all right here, Pumpkin,” Atlas says, flexing his fingers on my hip as he continues to hold me up. Being my anchor, the only thing preventing me from sinking to my knees and breaking.

Taking a shaky step forward, Atlas follows. I stop before the medium-sized hole, just beneath the tree, the leaves rustling above us as the sunset makes the leaves appear to be glowing orange. Like the sky is lighting up for Chlo.

Lowering myself to my knees, the soft tickle of grass brushes against my legs. Resting Lois on the ground next to me, I hold the small box in my hands, tears still flowing down my cheeks as I place the box in the ground. My heart feels like it’s cleaving in two. I place Lois next to her, my hand lingering on the box.

If I move it, then I’m letting go.

Forever.

I’m moving on, even when I feel like I still don’t deserve to. That I don’t deserve anything I have because she’s gone, and I can’t convince myself otherwise anymore.

“I-I can’t…” I break “I can’t let go.”

“Here Babygirl, let me help you,” Tobias soothes as he kneels next to me, his hands reaching into the dirt hold, grasping my hands in his, and lifts my hand from the box. An inhuman sound leaves my mouth, “I know Babygirl, I know.”

Tobias practically has to carry me away; the sound of the dirt being dropped on top of the box almost breaks me again.

Tobias guides me over to the lake, the sky has turned the water into a painting, the clouds and the blazing sunset perfectly mirrored in the still water.

How can there be such beautiful things in this world, while such horrible things happen?

Dominic’s hand slips into my other hand as I keep my focus on the water, trying to take a mental picture to try to remember something good about today. The coolness of Dominic’s rings helps to ground me as he holds my hand tightly in his.

The others soon join us now that the hole is filled in, and Chloe now finally at peace.

“How dark is it?” Dominic asks me, one of my new check-in techniques from the program.

Being one of the only people to understand, it’s our little thing. A way for him to check in on me and a way for me to open up without all the questions that normally follow.

“It’s suffocating, like I’ve been buried in that hole with her, with no one to come dig me out. A part of me doesn’t even want anyone to rescue me.”

My hand twitches, the skin on my wrist giving me a phantom itch. The perfect excuse to rake my nails across my skin for the small bite of pain. Dominic’s hand tightens around mine as if he can tell how dark my thoughts have turned.

“This is what we’re going to do…” Dominic declares “We’re going to go home, and cuddle on the sofa, while Zander and Sebastian go grab food from the Chinese restaurant that you love so much. Then we’ll watchHigh School Musical, complain because Gabriella is the real villain, and we’ll have a sleepover.”

“That sounds great,” I say with a sigh, my tears finally slowing.

“Life can wait for a day Cupcake. Let yourself finally grieve. This isn’t something you can rush.”

“I love you all, thank you for doing this with me,” I tell them all, allowing myself to finally look away from the water and at the people I love more than life.

I promised I would try to live again, the people next to me making that infinitely easier, especially on the days when the darkness takes over and it hurts to breathe.

As I finally get comfortable on the sofa after a hot shower, my eyes still swollen from all my crying, Brenn comes into the movie room. His phone vibrates constantly in his hand as his fingers fly across the screen.

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