Page 38 of Letters to the Lost

“I miss the security of the program; I feel like if I mess up now, I’ll lose everyone,” I reply, grateful everyone has made themselves scarce as I talk to my therapist, “I don’t want to disappoint any of them, but the thoughts from before are back.”

I don’t think I could have been honest had they been home, the paranoia that they would somehow overhear is too great.

“Are they?” my therapist leans forward slightly, his nose just inches away from the screen, “Is this a concern? Or are you managing?”

“I’m managing. Dominic has been a massive help;” I maneuver my laptop to show a half-asleep Parzival glued to my side, “I have this guy to ground me when I get really bad.”

“That’s good,” he nods absentmindedly, as he continues to write down notes. “Tell me more about the thoughts you are having.”

“Um, I guess it’s just that I don’t deserve any of this because Chlo won’t ever get it. That Jane is somehow going to appear out of nowhere, that someone is always watching, waiting to pounce,” I rush out, feeling like a paranoid wreck.

Fully expecting my therapist to laugh at me or to tell me I’m ridiculous.

“Have you expressed your concerns to your father?” he asks, an eyebrow raised like he’s anticipating my stubbornness.

“Believe it or not, I do listen,” I laugh, “I told everyone. I meant what I said about being honest. That also means no secrets anymore.”

“I’m proud of you Autumn. That’s a hard step to take. Are you safe?”

“I am. I don’t think I’ll ever be alone again.”

“Remember to take time for yourself, it’s important for your mental health.”

“I will, I promise.”

After we talked some more and scheduled my next appointment for Friday we hung up. Stretching my arms above my head and flopping back into my pillows. Parzival climbs up to rest his head on my stomach, the painted galaxy above me soothing some of my anxiety from opening up about everything. Even after the six-week stay there, I still find it hard to find the words I need.

Finding them makes me feel physically exhausted, the burnout from a session taking it out of me so much that I normally nap right after. Parzival cuddles in as I get comfortable, my brain finally turning off for a few hours.

“Knock knock!” Atlas shouts from the other side of my door startling me awake from my nap, Parzival lets out a small growl.

“Did you have a nice nap, Pumpkin?” He laughs as he walks over to me and smooths down my hair which is now in disarray from my nap.

“I did,” I respond with a yawn, wanting nothing more than to lie back down and fall back asleep again.

“C’mon, let's get up. We have a surprise for you,” he grabs my arms and pulls me from my bed.

“Can I at least get changed first?” I ask, looking down at my sweatpants and dad's old hoodie with a wince, my hair pulled back into a ponytail, but the strands managed to escape during my nap making me look like I’ve been electrocuted.

“You look beautiful,” he pulls me in for a kiss. Pressing myself further into him, I kiss him harder, but he pulls back making me pout.

“Go get changed, Pumpkin,” he laughs, swatting my ass as he twirls me away from him.

“Do I need to dress up?” I ask, trying to decide on jeans or leggings.

“Just jeans and a T-shirt will be fine.”

Dressed in my distressed blue skinny jeans, a tank top, and a long cardigan. I emerge from the bathroom, my face covered with some light coverage makeup and my hair straightened.

Playing with my sleeves, I look at Atlas who’s now lounging on my bed, playing with Nanook.

“Do I look ok?” I ask him sheepishly.

My insecurities are still raw in my mind, the scar on my neck a constant reminder of the taunts from my peers at school but also a weapon Jane would use against me.

“You look absolutely beautiful, Autumn. You have no idea how lucky I feel to be able to say you are my girl.”

“Same. I’m so lucky to have you, all of you. You have no idea how often I would think about you when I needed a little bit of light before. You were my safe place in my mind when nothing else made sense.”

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