Page 10 of Letters to the Lost

“Of course! I’ll get them for you,” she replies cheerily, oblivious to the impending breakdown about to happen before she bustles out of the room.

Not even five minutes later, my room door bursts open, revealing a crazed-looking Dominic.

“Cupcake…” he trails off, seeing the tears that leak down my face.

“I’m sorry!” I break “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to; I promise I didn’t mean to. I just…”

“You just wanted it to stop. I know Babygirl, I know,” Tobias soothes, coming over to me and stroking my hair while wiping my tears away.

“I’m sorry,” I repeat, unable to say anything else.

Everyone surrounds me, reassuring me that everything will be okay, that I’ll be okay.

After a while, I finally calmed down, feeling a lot better being surrounded by everyone. Dad informs me about a man who came by earlier, about the program that he offers.

After telling Dad to let him know that I’m willing to talk to him about it, he shoots off a message to him, arranging a time for him to come by later today.

“Hello Autumn, I’m Dr Karskin,” a kind-looking middle-aged man stands before me, his short frame and brown eyes strangely comforting. Extending his hand out in gesture, I place mine in his calloused palm and shake it. “Are you feeling better?”

“Hi,” I offer, purposely ignoring his question.

“I wanted to talk to you about something if that’s ok?” Not mentioning my obvious avoidance.

“Sure. My dad mentioned something about a program but not much more than that.”

“Yes, I wanted to make sure you were present for the conversation. My program has a space for you, but only if you are willing to put in the work to get better.”

“What kind of program?” Zander asks him.

“An in-patient one. It runs on my land in the country. We have licensed professionals working twenty-four hours a day with psychologists, to ensure therapy is as successful as possible,” Doctor Karskin tells us all.

“Are we allowed to visit her?” Dominic asks him, leaning forward in his chair.

“My best advice would be not to. Autumn will only be in residence for six weeks and with no visitors she will be able to fully focus on her healing journey and her grief.”

“You can’t go Cupcake; how will I survive six weeks without you?” Dominic turns to me, his lips forming into a pout.

“You’ll survive…” I tell him, determined not to let him deter me from what I know I need to do. Focusing back on the man currently offering me a lifeline “I’ll do it. I don’t want to feel like this anymore.”

“Excellent! I'll arrange for your placement with your father. Once the hospital discharges you, we’ll get you ready to go.”

With a final nod to the others, he leaves the room, my dad following him.

Turning to the others in the room, I look them all in the eyes so they can see the determination that is shining in my own.

“I need to do this. I want to do this. I never want to put any of you through that again, but I mostly need to do this for me, to move on with my life and to try to finally be happy.”

I tell them all honestly, needing them to understand that I’m doing this for all of us, but most of all, me.

For the first time in my life, I’m afforded the ability to be weak, to let my walls down, and to grieve the loss of the little girl who just wanted her mother's love, to grieve the loss of my childhood at the expense of others. Deciding to do this program, I’m hoping it will be the best decision for me, needing help to move on and to cope with my grief before I lose myself to it.

Chapter 5

Autumn

“How are you feeling about the program?” Dad asks me.

Everyone has fallen asleep in the uncomfortable looking chairs, only the two of us are awake even though I’m sure that Dominic is only pretending to sleep, unless he’s so unhinged that he’s fondling his knife in his sleep.

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