Page 50 of Forsaking All Others

On my knees, on my knees.

My thumb gently traces her lips.

Her husband sits on a slab in the morgue, there are two cops sitting in her living room waiting to question her and our kids are currently shoving their belongings into a bag because I’ve just started a motherfucking war.

“I wanted to give you a beautiful life,” I rasp.

It’s the truth. I wanted to give her everything, yet all I gave her was heartache and death. Bile works its way up my throat, but I force myself to continue.

“Do you trust me?” I ask hoarsely.

“Of course, I trust you.”

My jaw goes tight and I close my eyes.

On my knees, on my knees.

Pulling air into my lungs, I open my eyes and drop my hands from her face.

“Then trust when I say, I’ve got you, but I can’t be two places at once and the only way I can keep us all safe is if you and the kids come back to the compound with me.”

Confusion mars her features as she searches my eyes.

Always seeing through me.

Through the bullshit.

Through the lies.

Through my black soul.

On my knees, on my knees.

“What aren’t you telling me?”

There are so many perks that come with finding the other half of your soul early in life. You get to grow together, and you get more time to love one another. More time to build and dream with them. The years tack on and you realize you’ve spent more time being part of one another’s life than not. That life before that person entered your world simply doesn’t exist for you.

But there are consequences too. The years prove time isn’t always kind and all days you woke to serve each other, to love one another, were also spent breaking down one another’s defenses. We stripped ourselves bare. Left ourselves raw and exposed and we fed off the ugly parts of each other and there is no taking that back.

No ignoring it.

There is one person I can’t hide from and I’m looking at her.

She sees every lie.

Accepts every flaw.

My hands are covered in blood and she still reaches for them.

Her vision may be clouded with grief and exhaustion, but that will fade and when it does, she’ll find the ugly and she’ll hate me a little more than she already does. But that hate never wins. It’s a blessing and a curse but it’s all we know.

Accepting that fate, I choose Holly.

I give her the truth.

On my knees, on my knees.

“This is all my fault.”

---