Page 3 of Oh Holy Knight

“What is that?”

He smirks and raises an eyebrow.

“Nice tiara, princess,” he taunts and pushes the basket at me. Instead of taking it from him, I pull the tiara from my head. When tiaras become your norm you forget to check yourself in the mirror before answering the door.

Laughing, he continues. “I don’t know what it is, but it was on the stoop, so I picked it up before I rang the bell.” He shoves the basket against my chest, forcing me to take it. “You’ve been Elfed.”

I narrow my eyes.

“I’ve been what?”

He shrugs his shoulders.

“That’s what it says on the card. Now, step aside, princess. I didn’t come here to see you. Anna! It’s your favorite uncle!"

Favorite uncle my ass.

Brushing past me, he enters the house, leaving me standing at the door. Dumbfounded, I continue to stare at the basket like it’s bomb about to detonate at any second. There’s a creepy looking doll—ah, I guess that’s supposed to be the elf—and all sorts of snacks. There’s also a story book, a coloring book, crayons, and Santa’s Magic Key—whatever that is.

Wait.

I inch closer, getting a better look at the bag of hay nestled inside the basket—at least that’s what I think it is until I read the label.

“What the hell is reindeer food?” I mumble to myself.

We don’t have any reindeer and I refuse to start feeding the deer that sometimes pop up in the backyard. They’re like stray cats, once you start feeding them, they keep coming back, then they start breeding and before you know it, your property is infested with cats. Staten Island is already overpopulated with deer without me contributing to the cause. There will be no feeding of deer of any kind. Not in this house.

Shaking my head, I kick the door closed and make my way back to the living room where Enzo and Anna are dancing.

How come she never asks him to dress up?

I set the basket on the coffee table and sink onto the couch.

“You really didn’t bring this thing here?” I ask, eyeing the elf.

They stop dancing and Anna rushes to my side.

“Is that for me?” she asks.

“Um…I think so,” I reply, scratching my head. I hardly think anyone would drop this thing off for me to enjoy. Lifting my gaze back to Enzo, I ask, “What are we supposed to do with it?”

“Well, you can start by opening it. There’s some good shit—er, I mean stuff in there.”

It looks like a bunch of crap to me.

“Yeah? Like what?” I challenge.

“Like popcorn balls and oh, look it’s those chocolate balls that everyone is selling on Facebook.”

He says as he tears the cellophane from the basket, and I quirk an eyebrow.

“People are selling chocolate balls on social media?”

“Yeah, you put them in a mug, pour some warm milk over it and boom, marshmallows appear.” He grabs the balls and takes Anna’s hand. “Come on, Anna Banana, let’s get chocolate wasted.”

“You really are my favorite uncle,” she exclaims as he leads her into the kitchen. I ignore the dig about him being her favorite uncle and focus on the basket. I’m about to dig into it when my cellphone rings. I lift it from the coffee table and glance at the screen.

Pops.

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