Page 65 of Blackout: Book Two

No more masks.

No more hiding.

No more fake smiles.

“I’ve been fighting with my mind since you dropped that teddy bear in my lap. In the beginning, I could control it or at least I thought I could. Some days I couldn’t get out of bed no matter how hard I tried. Other days all I had to think about was the baby and I’d find a shred of strength in the promise of her. I don’t know when that changed when it became more difficult, but I started to lose sight of everything. I think it was the loneliness. Or maybe it was knowing you were getting well and not being sure you’d still love me.”

“Still love you…”

“Yeah, you were high when we got together and for most of our relationship, you’ve been struggling with addiction. It’s not hard to believe you wouldn’t love me clean and sober. In fact, in my head it makes perfect sense that you wouldn’t.”

“Lacey, I wasn’t high when I fell in love with you. If you remember correctly, I got clean, and I was straight as a pin the day I told you I loved you. Straight, when I asked you to marry me. Straight, when I said my vows and straight when we decided to start a family. It was never you that I wasn’t sure of and I was planning on telling you that today. You, girl, you’re the one thing in my life I’m proud of. I don’t just fucking love you. I cherish you.”

“I want to believe you.”

“Then, believe me!”

“Don’t you get it? I can’t control myself anymore,” I shriek, pulling out of his grip. “A woman in my condition should be picking out paint for her baby’s nursery or coming up with a birth plan. I wake up and tell myself I can’t take my own life because I’ll be taking my daughters too!”

As soon as the words leave my lips, I gasp and lift a hand to cover my mouth. Then I realize, I’m not all that sorry for saying them and I drop my hand away from my lips. The truth is, saying them out loud, releases me from my maker’s prison.

I’m free.

Free to confess the truth that will save me and my daughter.

“I need help,” I whisper.

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