Page 93 of Blackout: Book Two

Chapter Thirty

Lacey

Suffering from mental illness has taught me nothing is guaranteed. There are no straight roads when you’re battling depression. Only bends and curves and they steer you off the path you planned for yourself. You lose control and sometimes you don’t find your way back.

I thought the worst thing to ever happen to me was when I lost my will to bring my daughter into the world. That being committed while pregnant was the lowest point of depression. But I was wrong. The worst thing to ever happen to me was when I lost my will to be her mother.

It all happened so quickly.

I went from feeling such elation to feeling nothing but fear.

I was afraid to touch her.

Afraid to hold her.

Afraid to love her.

I was petrified of her becoming attached to me and not for the reasons you think. I knew how to care for her. Motherhood came as naturally as breathing did. I also knew I would make mistakes along the way because every new mom does. So, it was never a question of her being dependent on me and not having the ability to deliver. I didn’t want her becoming attached to me because I feared my mind would eventually take me away from her. That she would love me as much as I love her only to feel abandoned when I lost sight of that love.

I thought I could pull myself out of it, but for as many blackouts as I’ve suffered, I couldn’t find the light. I lost control and if it wasn’t for my husband…well, I don’t know what might’ve happened. He should’ve been concentrating on acclimating to life outside of rehab. Instead, he took control of me, of our family and steered us back to course.

Back to the life, we were always meant to have.

I still hate thinking about the day he left me alone with our daughter because I can still hear her cries ringing in my ears. My heart shattered with each wail and yet there was nothing I could do. I was stuck. Rooted to fear.

His first suggestion was to call Dr. Spiegel, but I remember begging him not to. I didn’t want to leave our little girl. It didn’t matter that she wouldn’t remember me leaving. I would remember and if my mind didn’t let me, my heart would. There would always be a void.

But I made Blackie promise he’d never let our daughter see me lose my mind the way I watched my dad lose his, and he took that vow to heart. He didn’t take me to Dr. Spiegel. He didn’t shove more pills down my throat or demand I snap out of it.

He packed us up and took us upstate to the cabin we hid in when he was recovering from the gunshot and hiding from the cops.

Him.

Me.

And our girl.

Leather, lace, and hope.

I remember walking into that cabin and asking him how leaving our home would fix anything. He said it wouldn’t, which only confused me more, but I didn’t press him. I trusted my husband with my life. My heart. My mind. I trusted him to bring me back to our daughter.

We were in that cabin for days and every day he took care of our daughter. He didn’t ask me to help him change her diaper or bathe her. He figured it out and what he couldn’t he googled. When he wasn’t caring for her, he was checking on me, making sure I took my meds.

After a week, my father showed up with Dr. Spiegel. I knew they wanted me to go back to the hospital. I was depressed not stupid, but my husband told them I was staying put. Dr. Spiegel prescribed me different medication and suggested hormone therapy. I started taking the new meds and I think people credit my recovery to that.

I don’t.

I credit my husband. He gave me what I needed most.

His love and his patience.

Every night I watched as he danced with our daughter to the song, he first danced with me and after the final note was sung, he’d tell her a story.

“Once upon a time there lived a young girl who battled depression and an older man who struggled with addiction. They fell head over heels in love with one another…”

One night as he was telling her the story, he came to the part where the heroine told the hero she was pregnant.

“She was so happy and so in love with the thought of having a little piece of him and her. As the months went on life wasn’t very fair to them. What they always dreamed of being the most special time of their life became the most trying. Their love and will was tried and tested but that little girl growing inside of her got them through. She brought hope. She brought joy. She brought everything God promised she would, and they fell in love with her before they ever met her,” he said.

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