Page 33 of Blackout: Book Two

“Years later,” I reply, recalling the day she stumbled into the clubhouse. “My first wife died of an overdose and I was in a bad place. I was drinking and using,” I admit, raking my fingers roughly through my hair. “I don’t want to talk about this.”

“So, you were high when you got together?” she prods.

“No,” I growl. “I know what you’re trying to do,” I hiss, pointing an accusing finger in her face.

“What am I trying to do?” she asks, feigning innocence.

“You’re trying to discredit my marriage by saying I was high and incoherent when I fell for Lacey. I fucking love her. High, sober, any which way, I love her. I might’ve been fucked up when I first took her, but I was fucking straight as a pin when I realized I loved her, and I was never surer of anything in my life as I was when I realized I wanted to spend the rest of my life loving her.”

Sunny smiles sadly at my declaration, folding her hands on top of the notebook as she leans closer.

“How many times have you relapsed since you and Lacey got together?”

“Fuck if I know,” I mutter, looking away from her. “Too many times, but it was no fault of hers.”

“Of course not,” she agrees. “Your addictions are yours and yours alone. She doesn’t control them, but they nonetheless affect her. Can you tell me how she reacts when you relapse?”

“Lacey is a certified drug counselor,” I reveal, shrugging my shoulders. “I don’t have to tell you how she reacts, isn’t that something you should know?”

“She’s a counselor, but she’s also your wife, Dominic,” she replies. “It’s a very fine line. Please answer the question.”

Sighing, I cross my arms against my chest. All the times I’ve apologized flash before my eyes. It doesn’t matter how many times I disappoint her or break her heart; she’s always there assuring me it’s okay. She puts her faith in me and trusts I’ll do better even when I’ve proved I’m incapable of being what she deserves.

“She forgives me,” I rasp, slicing my eyes back to Sunny. “Time and time again she forgives me.”

“Because she loves you, Dominic, and it’s easier to forgive someone who hurts you than ever live without them. You can spend the next ten months telling yourself you’re going to get well for her, but the truth is, Lacey will take you any way she can have you. Holding your hand as you battle addiction is better than never holding your hand again. Do you understand what I’m trying to say to you?”

“You’re saying her love enables me.”

“I’m saying if you don’t make this recovery about you, you will never fully heal. You’ll eventually relapse because Lacey’s love is a sure thing. It doesn’t falter no matter how many times you hurt her.”

“I’m not so sure about that,” I admit. “Everyone has a breaking point and me not being there for her during her pregnancy or…” I pause as I choke on the words. “…not being there for the birth of our child…well, I’m not so sure she’ll ever forgive that.”

“Yesterday is not ours to recover, Dominic, but tomorrow is ours for us to win or lose,” she says softly. “You’ve been benched from the game but it’s not over until the time on the clock runs out.” She hands me the notebook and taps a finger to the cover. “For your next assignment, I want you to list five of things you like about yourself. It’s time to forgive and learn how to love yourself.”

Later that night I sat in my room with the notebook in front of me and stared at the blank pages. There wasn’t a single thing I liked about myself.

Not fucking one.

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