Page 115 of Riding the Edge

Chapter Thirty-four

Stepping into the dimly lit chapel, my eyes dart around the room, taking in the empty pews and the candles no one has bothered to light. I close the door behind me and begin to make my way towards the altar. For many years, I neglected my practiced faith. A man can’t ride to hell worshipping the reaper and still kneel for the cross.

Standing in front of the altar, I lift my eyes to the crucifix hanging above and respectfully bend my knees as I make the sign of the cross. Straightening, I reach into my leather vest and pull out my gun. Removing the clip, I lay both the bullets and the piece on top of God’s table.

It’s an act of respect.

A show of good faith from a servant to his Lord as he pleads for a pardon.

Next, I shrug the leather from my shoulders and neatly fold it before placing it alongside the gun. Stripped of the shit that makes me a sinner, I reach into my back pocket and pull out the pair of wooden rosary beads. Draping them around my neck, I lift the cross to my lips. Removing my cut won’t wipe the blood from my hands and apologizing to God, won’t change who I am or what I’ve done. However, I come to him today not as an outlaw but rather as a man.

A man who has finally found his heart.

After nearly thirty years of loving and losing, sacrificing and suffering, my purpose in life is no longer my club. I don’t wake to ride no more. I open my eyes every day for her.

To love her.

To cherish her.

To be her strength.

To be the one and only person she lets herself lean on.

Plain and simple, I wake up to be her man.

Everything I am and all that I’ll be is hers. Whether that’s a blessing or a curse, I’m not sure and so, that’s why I stand before God, praying he’ll spare her. If not for me than for her children.

Turning my attention to the candles, I walk towards them and reach for the matches. Striking one, I bring it to the wick and watch the tiny flame dance. The match dies out and I make my way to the first pew. Kneeling, I fold my hands and lift my eyes to the cross. It’s been hours since they brought Maria in and with each one that passes, I lose my shit more and more. Unwilling to have her kids see me fall apart, I escaped to here, to the very chapel I stood in when Maria first told me she had breast cancer.

It’s time me and the big guy had a sit-down.

In fact, it’s long overdue.

“Not going to disrespect you by lying and saying I’m a good man and I won’t apologize for everything I’ve done because I’m not all that sorry. But I’m loyal and the ones who need me always got me. That’s gotta count for something,” I say, pausing to thoughtfully to stroke a hand over my beard. “It’s been a long while,” I continue. “But I never lost faith in you. Hell, I think I’m still here because of you and not because I belong in Hell but because you knew deep down, she needed me here… I waited my whole life for the blessing you gave me when you gave me her. You can’t take her away from me now.”

When you’ve lived half your life wishing for something, you swear if you’re blessed enough to receive it you’ll cherish it.

All I want is a chance to live up to my word.

For fuck’s sake, I asked her to marry me and I swore I’d never do that shit again. Call me crazy, tell me I’m overreacting but until now, I haven’t allowed myself to feel much of anything. It’s like I found out she had cancer and put my emotions on a shelf. I’ve been so wrapped up in being strong for her and dealing with the club, I didn’t deal with how all of this affected me. I thought if I gave into my feelings it would make me selfish. After all, this wasn’t my battle. It was hers. The truth is, I was too much of a coward to acknowledge I was helpless and cancer was my enemy too.

Drawing in a deep breath, I close my eyes and fold my hands. Instantly I’m assaulted by the memory of Lauren and Anthony holding her hands as they escorted the stretcher to the operating room. I don’t know what breaks my heart more. The thought of losing her myself or knowing I’ll have to watch her children grieve for her too. I’m not sure if they tolerate me for the sake of their mother or if they genuinely like me but, I promised Lady I’d take care of them and while I’m a man of my word, that’s one fucking vow I don’t know I’m strong enough to keep.

As a Knight, Maria’s children were an obligation and part of my circle long before I fell in love with her. Now, they’re part of my family. In this life, biology means nothing. Our blood don’t need to match for me to bleed for them. Anthony and Lauren have a place in my life, right next to my own three sons.

Opening my eyes, I look up at the crucifix and with anger pulsing through my veins, I sneer at the cross.

“Forget me, you can’t take her away from her children. It don’t matter that they’re grown, they need her more than you,” I continue. “I would bargain with you, tell you to take me instead but, we both know that’s not a fair trade,” I confess, bowing my head. “I’ve never been afraid of anything,” I whisper, bringing my hands to my face. “Until now,” I add, swiping my hand over my beard as I force myself to see past the tears filling my eyes. “I’m fucking terrified of losing her,” I say to the cross.

“Wolf?”

Startled, I wipe my eyes before glancing over my shoulder and meeting Lauren’s worried gaze. Without a word, she starts for me.

“Hey pretty,” I say turning back around to collect my bearings. The last thing I want is for her to see me like this. To her, I am some mythical beast who never breaks. A man who silently endures pain and a warrior who never cowers under pressure.

Lifting off my knees, I take a seat on the wooden bench and lift my head.

“You okay?” I ask her.

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