Page 609 of The Tempted

Chapter Twenty-nine

I’ve lost one child.

Held him in my arms as his body turned cold.

Watched his Mama kiss him one final time.

Kissed his lips before they closed the coffin.

Had my brother’s hold me down so I wouldn’t follow his casket into the earth.

Burying your child, knowing your life goes on and his doesn’t is hell in its purest form.

I wake up each day and it’s the first thing on my mind.

Another day I’m here and he isn’t.

The day ends and I close my eyes only to see his face.

Since Jack Jr.’s death I have told myself there is no greater pain, nothing worse than knowing my illness and my pride is what took my son’s life.

But there is a pain that might not be greater but just as harsh and just as annihilating.

I didn’t see it coming, or maybe I chose not to see it. Who wants to believe that their child is sick? My ex-wife voiced her concerns months ago when I dropped Lacey off after that shit went down with Blackie but I ignored it.

I told Connie she wascrazy.

Lacey was just feeling some girl shit for my vice president.

She was a typical girl with a crush.

What the fuck did I know about any of that?

Nothing.

I knew nothing.

But I know what it is to be manic-depressive. I know the villain that lives inside my head, someone I call my maker.

And I know that motherfucker well.

So does Connie, she’s the one who pleaded with me for years to get help. I ignored her then just as I ignored her now when she told me she was concerned Lacey may be manic. I blew her off, told her she couldn’t blame my illness on everything wrong with the world.

I didn’t want to believe that I could be the reason my daughter lives in eternal darkness, the lights were already turned down for one kid and as fucked up as it sounds, at least he was at peace.

Lacey doesn’t know peace.

And I know what that’s like.

Hearing her say the words, watching the pain in her eyes as she introduced me to her maker made it real and broke every chamber of my heart.

As a parent we want what is best for our children. We want to give them a shot at life, one we weren’t granted…at least that’s the kind of parent I tried to be to Lacey. I wanted to protect her from the evil. I tried so hard to keep her away from my club. I thought that shit was evil and destructive but, all the while she had evil and destruction living inside her head.

Lacey lives and suffers with a mind that feeds her uncontrollable temptations, forcing her to swallow what she knows and believe the doubt that her maker inflicts. She can be happy for a little while but then her mind takes over and shatters her happiness by making her think it wasn’t real or she didn’t deserve it.

She crashes and when she does all there is darkness.

And a bottle of lithium.

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