Page 568 of The Tempted

I’m not sure which is worse.

Wishing for the perfect body or wishing for a different mind.

Sometimes I desperately want to tell my story, to share with the world what it's like to be mentally ill. However, that would mean accepting I am flawed and I can’t bring myself to do that.

I can’t say the words out loud.

I can’t look in the mirror and admit my truth.

I’m crazy.

I hate that word. It’s so harsh and ugly.

So I continue to sit alone and suffer.

I tell myself that even if I had the courage to confess I am a girl who struggles mentally there is no one in my life I would burden with my illness. Think about it, who should I tell? Who do I ask to help me with the nightmare I’m living? My father? The man who suffers from it himself?

Or my mother who blames my father’s illness for the reason she doesn’t have a son anymore?

Blackie isn’t an option either. He’s got his own struggles, his own torment and for the first time in a long time, he’s trying to make that right for himself. He’s got a long road ahead of him he sure as hell doesn’t need my drama added to his full plate.

And then there is that other word that scares me to death.

Lithium.

It works for my father but there are thousands of people whom never adjust to the medication and are constantly having their dosages changed. There is also the possibility that Lithium wouldn’t even work for me.

Another scary thought.

I’ll continue living, struggling and envying those of sound mind. I’ll enjoy the highs, embrace them, and push through the lows, hoping one day I’ll find the strength to admit to myself, my family and the world that I’m ill.

I’ll fight until there is no fight left.

I climbed into my bed, not bothering to change my clothes, and stared up at the ceiling.

He’s going to realize the truth.

He’s going to find out you’re not some perfect angel sent to rescue him.

You’re damaged.

You’re a joke.

You think you can help him but you can’t even help yourself.

I closed my eyes and felt the tears fall from the corners of my eyes as my demon emerged and brought me to hell.

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