Page 39 of A Very Miller-Cooper Life

“Speaking of which.” Reagan cleared her throat. “Olivia, Carter, and Ronan, could we talk to you inside the room?”

Jamie put his hand on Finn’s shoulder as he and Ethan walked out of the room. “We need to talk to you, too.”

“Are we in trouble?” Olivia asked as we all sat down on the bed.

Ronan shared a look with Olivia and put his hands in the air. “I swear that lamp fell on its own last night.”

“This isn’t about a lamp, I promise.” I put my arms around Olivia and Ronan at the same time Reagan pulled Carter onto her lap. “It’s about Nana.”

I could feel my heart rate increasing as I tried to think of what to say. Luckily, Reagan touched my arm and gave me a look that saidI’ve got this.

“Last night, Nana went to be with Patch.”

“In heaven?” Carter asked softly. When Reagan nodded, her eyes turned down toward the comforter. “Is she coming back?”

“No. When people and pets go to heaven, they don’t come back. At least not in the physical sense. We might not be able to see Nana anymore, but she’ll always be with us.”

For a long time the kids were eerily quiet, and I wondered if they fully understood what was happening. Then Ronan looked at me with tears in his eyes and my heart broke all over again.

“Is it okay to be sad?” He wiped his eyes with his arm. “Because I feel really sad right now.”

His question finally helped me to find my voice. “It’salwaysokay to be sad, sweetheart. I’m sad, too.”

“So am I,” Reagan said.

Olivia and Carter both nodded in agreement as well. For the next few minutes, we all sat in silence. If my heart wasn’t so heavy with grief, I would have loved this detour from our usual craziness. Even with the sadness, I still took a moment to appreciate this time with my family. I may have lost a veryimportant person, but knowing I had these four helped me to carry on.

The next week flew by, yet also seemed to stretch on forever. I canceled my appointments for the week and Reagan told her clients that their commissions might end up a bit delayed. We helped my parents prepare for the funeral and stood by her casket at the viewing as person after person came by to tell us about how much she meant to them. The funeral was small and the get-together that followed was even smaller. We all felt the real celebration of Nana’s life had taken place at her birthday party. Nana deserved to be remembered the way she was that night—alive and thriving. Not just a body in a casket that was lowered into the ground.

As Reagan and I lay in bed together the first night back at our house, I thought about how thankful I was that we had so much time with my nana leading up to her death. “I know I’ve said it multiple times, but I mean it even more now. Thank you so much for planning that birthday party for Nana. This obviously isn’t easy, but I think having that final hoorah with her made it a tiny bit less hard on everyone.”

“You don’t have to thank me. It was clearly meant to be. I just put it in motion. I should be thanking you for having us go there last weekend. As soon as you mentioned it, I knew we needed to go. I couldn’t explain it, but something in me clicked and told me this needed to happen.”

“That’s why I suggested it. I felt this strange pull, like I had to see her. Thank god. That last night with her was perfect.”

Reagan leaned over and kissed my temple. “It really was, wasn’t it? I almost felt like Nana knew her time was coming really soon. Like she wanted to leave us with something.”

“Wait.” Her words suddenly reminded me of something. I hopped from the bed and went through our bag we had yet to unpack until I found the two envelopes my dad had given to mea few days prior. “Nana apparently gave these to my dad a few months ago. It looks like they’re letters or something. I’m not sure why mine is in such a big envelope though.”

I handed Reagan the smaller envelope and opened up my large Manila envelope that contained two smaller envelopes inside. One said my name and the other said my mom’s but had a note that it shouldn’t be read until a year after Nana’s passing.

I waved my mom’s envelope in the air. “I’m not sure why I got this one.”

Reagan shrugged. “Maybe there’s an explanation inside yours.”

I opened the envelope to find a handwritten note from my nana. As soon as I saw her handwriting on the page, my heart clenched and the tears started to fall, so I wasn’t even sure how I would possibly get through it. But I owed it to her to try.

My dearest Charlie,

If you’re reading this, it means my time has come to an end (finally, right?!). Please don’t be sad for me. I lived a long, happy life. The best part of that life was definitely the past 38 years because I got to watch you and Jamie grow up. I watched you grow from a wild little girl to an outgoing teenager and into your own person throughout college and optometry school. But my favorite version of you was definitely the version I’ve seen these past ten years or so, because you were being your true, authentic self. I can’t even begin to tell you how proud I am of the woman you’ve become. You are a wonderful doctor, a loving wife/sister/friend/daughter/etc, and the best mom in the entire world (so much better than the one that raised you).

Never give up on your dreams. Never stop being true to yourself. And remember—you are never too old for sex!

I know none of this is groundbreaking, but it turns out I don’t have all the answers (just most of them). I just wanted to make sure you had one last piece of me to always keep with you. Take care of those crazy kids and that trouble-making wife of yours. Most important—never stop making your mother feel uncomfortable.

I love you, sweetie. You are everything right about this world, and I want you to know that you changed mine.

All my love,

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