Page 11 of A Very Miller-Cooper Life

“I’m going to tell you something my best friend told me years ago that has stuck with me all this time. She said thatyou can do everything in the world to get your point across, but nothing works as well as just flat out telling the person how you’re feeling.”

“But I have told Reagan how I’m feeling—probablytoomuch. My mood swings and my lashing out on her are a big part of the reason we’re having so many issues.” Even though I had known deep down that this was the case, this was the first time I was admitting it to myself rather than automatically putting all of the blame on Reagan.

“But have you told her how you were feeling after you actually took a breath and gathered your thoughts?”

I sighed as I looked toward the ground where I was running my foot along the dirt. “No. I guess I haven’t.”

“Start there. Tell Reagan how you’rereallyfeeling. Let her know exactly what this job is doing to your mental health. Until you do that and listen to what she’s feeling in return, you won’t actually get anywhere.”

“You’re right. Thank you, Kennedy.”

“No need to thank me. Just figure this out with your wife so you can put your focus on more important things, like when we’re all getting together again.”

For the first time in a week, I laughed and actually meant it. “Sounds good. Thank you. And thanks for understanding. Thanks for not automatically taking my side or making me feel like I’m a terrible person.”

“There’s no side to take in this. You and Reagan are two wonderful women who are trying to figure out how to navigate this new world. You’re both doing everything you can. I don’t doubt that one bit. I also don’t doubt that this is just a minor blip in your long love story.”

I spent the next few minutes talking to Kennedy about what was new in her life then hung up so I could make things right with Reagan.

When I got home, I didn’t find her downstairs in the kitchen or family room, so I walked up the steps to find our bedroom door shut. I softly knocked and laid my head against the cool wood. “Reagan? Is it okay if I come in?”

“Yep.”

There was a crack to her voice as if she had been crying, and as soon as I opened the door and saw her red eyes and pink cheeks, I knew that was the case. I ran over to the bed and immediately wrapped her up in my arms, placing a kiss on her forehead as I held her. “Oh, baby, I’m so sorry. Please don’t cry.Please. I’ll do anything.”

“How can’t I?” Reagan asked through a new set of tears. “I hate myself for what I said to you. It was heartless. It was one of the worst things I could have said, and I’m not sure why I did.”

“You’re right. It hurt hearing that you saw me that way, but it wasn’t without prompting on my end. I’ve been so hard on you since the move. In the midst of all my complaints and lectures, I haven’t actually taken the time to ask how you’re doing. But I am now. How are youreallydoing, Reagan?”

Reagan sat up slightly and took my hand in hers. She looked down at me, and I could see the love shining from her eyes. It was the same look she had given me when we made love last weekend—a look I had taken for granted recently, but refused to ever again. “Before I answer that—I need you to know that I didn’t mean what I said about you sounding like your mom. I shouldn’t compare you to her. Not after everything she’s put you through. The way you were hounding me like nothing I did was good enough felt like something she would do to you, but I know it doesn’t actually compare. I’m sorry for making it seem like it did.”

I squeezed Reagan’s hand. “You don’t have to apologize. I get it. I’ve been pushing you so much lately. It makes sense thatyou would snap and say things you don’t mean after all of that. I don’t blame you. Seriously, though. How are you?”

Reagan took a deep breath and blew it out. “That’s a loaded question.”

I motioned with my hand for her to continue. “Try me.”

Reagan wiggled around on the bed, then sat up straighter. “I love the life we’ve made together. Don’t get me wrong, I really do. I adore our kids, and I’m really happy we moved back here. But, I don’t know. I guess I thought when we moved here, everything would just click into place, and instead, it seems to have done the opposite. I’m completely lost over what I want to do, and I feel like I keep letting you down over and over again.”

“You’re not letting me down. I promise.”

“Are you sure? It definitely seems that way. No matter what I do, it’s like nothing is good enough. And I know it’s because I haven’t done the one thing you’ve been hounding me to do. I get it. I really do. I just… I don’t know. I guess I’m just really lost right now.”

I understood that feeling all too well. “That definitely makes two of us. I’m sorry I’ve been so hard on you.”

Reagan shrugged. “It makes sense. We need the money. I haven’t been doing what I should be for our family.”

“That’s the thing though. You really have been. You’re home with the kids every single day. Even with your mom here, I know that’s not an easy taskat all.You have dinner waiting for me most nights when I walk in the door, and even after being with the kids all day, you still take on the bulk of the responsibility for them so I can relax. I didn’t notice any of that because I’ve been so caught up in my own misery. I know I’ve told you this multiple times, but I don’t think I’ve expressed it the way I should have. Ihatemy job. Every day when I wake up, I feel physically ill, because I dread going in so much. They loadmy schedule up with so many patients that I can barely breathe throughout the day. Half the time, I miss my lunch because I’m running so far behind, since the idiots who make my schedule don’t have any idea how long it actually takes to do an eye exam. I don’t feel like I’m making a difference the way I did when I owned the practice. Hell, a lot of the time, it feels like I’m doing the opposite. When I get home, I’m so exhausted, I can’t even enjoy our beautiful children. I know it’s all temporary, but right now, it doesn’t feel that way. I’m scared I’m going to be stuck in this never-ending cycle forever, and that will be my life—going through every single day just trying to survive. Not actually living.” I laughed and shook my head at my verbal diarrhea. “I know it sounds ridiculous. I’m sorry.”

Reagan stared at me for what felt like forever, her eyes burning straight through mine and into my soul, and for the first time in so long, it felt like she was actually seeing me. “It doesn’t sound ridiculous at all. I should be the one who’s apologizing. You’re working so hard to make sure our family has everything they need. Meanwhile, I’ve been so caught up in my own head about what to do next that I didn’t see just how much you were struggling. I knew you hated your job, but I don’t think I realized how much it was affecting you, and I’m sincerely sorry about that.”

“It’s okay. I haven’t exactly been an open book.”

Reagan shook her head. “It’s not okay, and you shouldn’t be working a job that’s taking such a huge toll on your mental health. I don’t care if it’s only temporary. Life is way too short to spendanyof your time here completely miserable. I think you should give your notice.”

Even though I knew she would be supportive, that was the last thing I expected Reagan to say. “I can’t do that. What about money? What about healthcare insurance?”

Reagan shrugged. “We’ll figure all of that out when the time comes. I’m the girl who kissed my fake boyfriend’s twin sister when she still thought I was dating her brother. I like to jump, then think about the consequences later.” Reagan pushed her shoulder against mine playfully and gave me her trademark smile that made me fall in love with her the first time and continue to fall in love day after day. “In case you were wondering, it’s worked out pretty well for me in the past.”

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