Page 16 of Tony

He chuckled. “Cold. Windy. And blowing in one helluva snowstorm.”

Sucking her lips in, she glanced toward the dark window. “I was foolish to come here, wasn’t I?”

“I wouldn’t say foolish, but maybe unprepared. Honestly, honey? I kinda blame Mr. Marks for not checking the weather before offering you his cabin. He should have known that your mind wasn’t on looking at the news.”

“I think he was just worried about me.I did receive a text message from him and I let him know I got here safe.”

Nodding toward the sofa, he asked, “You want to sit by the fire for a little bit?”

Her face lit up with a smile and she moved to where she had been sitting before supper. He watched her smile and felt the piercing in his chest once again. Right over his heart. She moved gracefully, everything about her elegant. He did not know how long he stood there just staring at her until she broke his trance.

“Tony? Are you going to sit too?”

Settling his large frame next to hers on the overstuffed cushions, he could not help but smile himself. It felt strange on his face. A smile.Jesus, when was the last time I really smiled?Her hand was resting on the sofa between them. Not too close to seem grasping, but available if he wanted to take her hand again. Small. Delicate. Beckoning.

He reached out and slid his fingers around hers. Just that connection felt right, as though he were beginning to see her as a life-line. Something to hold on to that was real. “Did you…understand what I was trying to say earlier? Before dinner. About us?”

Looking down at their clasped hands, she admitted, “I understand that you were avoiding me because you care for me but don’t feel like you should. And that you wished we hadn’t had sex up against the wal?—”

“Not as your first time,” he interrupted. “Sherrie, I never lose control. If I lost control in the Special Forces, men could die. With my agency if I lose control, a mission can go wrong and others can get hurt.”

“So...,” she hesitated. “You’re not sorry we had sex, but sorry you lost control?”

“Yeah.”

“But Tony, sometimes life is about losing control. Giving into feelings. Going with your gut reaction. Not everything in life is going to be like a planned mission.”

Shaking his head, a sadness crossed his expression as he said, “I don’t like the feeling of not controlling things around me.” He looked up and continued, “We haven’t even touched on the part of me not using a condom. I swear I’m clean. I’ve got the papers to pro?—”

“I trust you,” she said quickly, hating the turn of the conversation.

“Well, if you get pregnant you’ve got to tell me?—”

“Stop, just stop,” she said, her anger beginning to rise. “I will not be your mission again. Poor little virgin gets pregnant and you have to rescue her one more fucking time!”

The silence stretched between them. She saw the shadows of the firelight flicker across his chiseled face. His demons still existed deep inside and until he could let go of them, she would never really have him to herself.I don’t mind you having a past, but if I can’t have all of you…

Several minutes passed, both lost in their thoughts. “What are you thinking?” he asked softly, both wanting and dreading her answer.

Licking her lips, she kept her gaze steady as she answered, “I’ve wanted you for a very long time. There’s so much about each other that we know and yet I’m sitting here thinking that we’re still such strangers.” With a final squeeze of his fingers, she stood, looking down on him. “I gave myself to you gladly. Was it spontaneous? Yes. Was it amazing? Absolutely. The difference is that you have regrets because of whatever-the-hell keeps you from really living life. I get that something’s in your past that keeps you wanting complete control. We all have our demons, Tony. And for someone who is all about maintaining control, you have lost it with them.”

At that, his gaze shot up toward hers in question.

“Yeah, Tony. You say you’re in control, but whatever has hold of you…whatever holds you back? That’s what really controls your life.”

With that, she walked toward the bedroom alone. At the doorway, she paused but did not turn around.If I look at his face, I won’t be able to be strong.Sighing deeply, she added, “I want you Tony. But I want all of you. I deserve all of you. Not just the little part that you’re willing to give to me.”I want more than friendship.

She walked into the bedroom and closed the door. Sliding out of her sweat pants and sweatshirt, she pulled on her pajamas again and crawled under the covers, glad that the heat was still working in the cabin. She wondered if she would be able to sleep, but exhaustion took over and she drifted off. For the moment, peace was only found in slumber.

7

Sleep did not come so easily for Tony. He sat for a long time, looking into the flickering flames dancing in the firelight. Strange, but fire was comforting to him. It always took him back to the campfires he and his men would sit around. On cold nights in Afghanistan, it was sometimes the only warmth they had. Tony’s mind opened and he allowed himself to wander back in time.

It was easier then…to talk, share, feel. At least before. Before life came to a screeching halt and the coldness seeped in to stay. After that, the campfire conversations centered around their missions. Looking back, he knew that was when the missions became his life. His control. Nothing else mattered but getting in, getting the job done, and getting all his men out safely.

Reaching into his back pocket finding his wallet, he pulled out the faded, worn picture. His fingers traced the faces once again.It’s getting harder to remember your face, Marla. But I remember how you made me feel. Happy. Like I was the center of your world.He thought about how old Sofia would be by now.Running around? Playing? What would be your favorite food?As much as his heart ached, he could not picture what she would look like if she were still alive. In his mind, she would always be the tiny, wrapped up infant he held the day she was born.

What would you want, Marla? You gotta tell me, ‘cause I’m lost here. I’m afraid to move forward…to open myself up to that kind of pain again.

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