Page 57 of The Malevolent Eight

‘You’re an arsehole, you know that, Cade?’ Tenebris held up a hand to forestall any further interruptions. ‘Listen, I’ve met plenty of Aurorals in my time and they’re always smug, self-righteous arseholes– kind of like you, actually. But this guy, it was like. . . like that whole secret conspiracy you’d invented made him feel. . . I don’t know.Special?I swear, this guy was the happiest Auroral I’ve ever seen.Happy, Cade. Imagine that: ahappyAuroral.’

I’d never heard Tenebris sound so philosophical about anyone, let alone an Auroral– it was as if his whole universe had been flipped upside down and sideways.

I turned to Shame. ‘Any chance your transfiguration magic might’ve rattled his brains somehow?’

‘I say leave him that way,’ Corrigan commented from the narrow archway into the temple. ‘Me, on the other hand, you need to change backright away.’ He scratched at his smoothly shaven jaw. ‘How you managed to make my skin itchwithoutmy beard is beyond me.’

‘Best start on Corrigan first,’ I suggested to Shame, ‘otherwise he’ll be competing with Tenebris to see who can whine longest and loudest.’

‘Me, obviously,’ they said in unison.

Temper, peering down from the gaping hole in the ceiling where the temple’s stone-tiled roof had lost the battle with time and gravity, helpfully added, ‘Motherfuckers.’

‘Hah,’ Corrigan chortled. ‘Good one, buddy!’

‘What did he say?’ Tenebris asked, eyeing the kangaroo’s grinning muzzle. ‘Did that giant rabbit just insult me or something?’

‘Oh, he burned you but good!’ Corrigan informed him.

‘Ignore them both,’ I told the diabolic who, despite looking every bit a Glorian, managed both petulance and affront. ‘Corrigan likes to pretend that he can understand Temper even though Temper doesn’t speak our language– or any other language, as far as we can tell.’

‘Really?’ Tenebris asked, one golden eyebrow arching magnificently as he stared at Corrigan. ‘Isn’t that kind of immature for a guy his age? I mean, even for a thunderer?’

‘Corrigan seeks to convince the rest of us that he has formed a deep bond with the otherworldly beast as a way to mask his insecurities over the diminishment of his relationship with Cade,’ Shame explained. Her manifest disinterest in the subject only made her assessment more embarrassing for Corrigan and me.

‘That’s not—’

‘It’s true,’ Galass said, coming to place a hand on my arm, a gesture which I’d noticed always preceded a troubling pronouncement. ‘We can all see it, Cade. Ever since the seven of us began this mission to stop the war between the Infernals and the Aurorals, you’ve been distant, more a general trying to keep his troops in line than a proper friend.’

A headache was forming behind my eyes. I was about ready to compose my very own poetic lament to being the sole sane being in the universe. Most people assume semi-deranged, morally bankrupt mercenary mages don’t suffer from stress– in truth, usually they see us grinning like psychopaths as we’re hurling lethal incantations at them– but beneath our jovial exteriors, we are walking masses of anxieties and tension headaches. Oh, and apparently, we’rereallyfucking sensitive when our feelings are hurt.

‘Corrigan?’ I asked quietly.

‘Yeah?’

‘Would you be so kind as to open up a rift to the Tempestoral realm and blast me out of existence? I’d hate to go on living thinking I’d in any way diminished the genuine affection between us.’

He grinned. ‘I was saving that for later.’

Our brotherly bond restored, I turned back to Tenebris. ‘Time to pay up. We “rendered unto you” the Glorian Banner, and in exchange, your bosses promised us information on how to stop the Spellslinger and the Pandoral from ruining the Mortal realm even faster than your arsehole bosses and the Celestines are intent on doing. So cough it up.’

‘Hey!’ the diabolic snapped at me, feigning outrage, ‘you don’t get to talk to me that way. I’m an important guy in the Infernal Hierarchy these days and I don’t take shit from penny-ante wonderists who get an attack of conscience and decide to save the world all by themselves. The way this works is’– he jabbed a finger at Shame– ‘you tell the bitch angelic to restore my beautiful countenance and thenmaybeI’ll toss you a few scraps of intel regarding the skinny psycho girl you’re all so hot for.’

With my left hand, I grabbed my former agent by the neck. Despite the impressive physique Shame had given him, he was still a snivelling, preening con artist at heart. ‘Listen, you little—’ With my free hand I snapped my fingers at Temper, who was watching from the hole in the roof.

‘Motherfucker,’ the kangaroo said gleefully.

And another relationship restored to its normal emotional balance.

‘You’re going to start coughing up the details on the Spellslinger’s employer,’ I continued, giving Tenebris’ neck a squeeze, ‘and for each piece of genuine intelligence that I actually believe, Shame will restoreonepart of your physiognomy.’ I gave the diabolic a shake. ‘Try to bullshit us even once and I’ll have her transform you into a fucking Mortal.’

‘You wouldn’t!’ Tenebris cried out. He really is a bigot when it comes to Mortals.

I yanked him closer so he could see my smile. ‘The Lords Devilish and every other Infernal infesting this realm will think you’re my slightly dumber-looking cousin.’

‘Fine, fine,’ he said, prising my fingers from his neck, then dusting himself off. ‘I suppose we should start with the Spellslinger. . .’

‘Who he kissed!’ Corrigan announced, excitedly poking me with his still-golden finger. ‘Seriously! First, he bedded the Celestine of Rationality and now he’s putting moves on a gods-damned lunatic Pandoral mage who’s planning to destroy the entire Mortal realm!That’swhose judgement you prefer over mine for who should run this coven!’

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