Page 44 of The Malevolent Eight

(i)Be it acknowledged that the Auroral realm is a stinking pit of decrepit mundanity, that all those birthed in its rank and pus-filled womb are naught but noxious fumes emitted by a flawed design in the universe, and that those who rise highest among them are, as such, the lowest of all.

(ii)Be it further recognised and agreed that the entire Auroral Army is as a gnat beneath the hoof of the lowliest Infernal, no more a threat than those same noxious fumes referred to in Article II Clause (i).

(iii)Thus no weapon, treasure or flag of said army holds any worth whatsoever, and holds no value nor significance to the Infinite Might of the Infernal Armies.

(iv)That being said, and though the physical bodies of the Thirteen Perfections do not, like those imperfect forms of Mortals and, in all likelihood, the so-called ‘Lords Celestine’, generate waste product, still, it would be of some amusement should the Lords Devilish, by order of precedence and each in turn, wipe their arses on the most sacred symbol of the Auroral Sovereign, that being the unsightly rag sometimes referred to as ‘the Glorian Banner’.

(v)Acknowledged by all signatories to this pact is the irrefutable fact that the obtaining of the tattered cloth mentioned in Clause (iv) would be a matter of trivial effort for the Lords Devilish or their subjects, agents and contractors.

(vi)Thus, for the sole purpose of giving this pact the enforceability required of a purely symbolic pretence of ‘an exchange of equal value’, the Lords Devilish do hereby employ and require the Malevolent Seven to secure the filthy re-purposed undergarment referred to in Clause (iv) and render it unto them forthwith.

Article III: The Method

(i)The methods by which the Malevolent Seven take possession of the collection of arse hairs plucked from various beasts during the act of rutting and later woven into the item discussed in Clause (iv) are to involve deception, treachery and such cunning as is attainable for beings possessed of near-identical intellectual prowess as the animals from which said hairs were taken, namely, the Malevolent Seven.

(ii)The Lords Devilish shall cause no interference nor offer aid in this endeavour, trusting that the task be of such scant difficulty that a drunken cow, possibly one of the suppliers of hair mentioned in Article III Clause (i), could break an ankle stepping into a pothole and, in the process of falling to the ground, successfully complete the task.

(iii)Nonetheless, and for the avoidance of doubt, should the Malevolent Seven fail or be captured in this mission, which is agreed to be no more difficult or complex than passing out drunk in a puddle of their own urine, the Lords Devilish will, of course, deny any knowledge of the crime.

Article IV: The Consequences of Failure

(i)Should the Malevolent Seven fail in their quest to secure the Auroral Banner, or should they attempt to deceive the Thirteen Lords Devilish, the following punitive retaliations shall be deemed by both parties to be so minor as to constitute a veritable waiving of rightful remuneration.

1. Eternal Torment: Each member of the Malevolent Seven shall be bound in chains forged from the souls of the damned and cast into a newly built Abyss of Despair where they shall endure unending agony, their flesh eternally flayed by demonic whips made from the skin of the phallus of the Tempestoral wonderist known as Corrigan Blight, said whips hereby acknowledged to be of only modest proportions due to the lack of material supplied.

2. Arcane Disattunement: All magical attunements and abilities possessed by the Malevolent Seven shall be stripped away, leaving them as mere Mortals, powerless and forsaken.

3. Public Humiliation: Their failure shall be proclaimed across all Infernal realms, their names forever etched in the Annals of Infamy, to be mocked and scorned by all who hear their tale. It is hereby acknowledged by both parties that the damage done to their reputation from the spreading of this tale is likely to be negligible given their already notorious history of failures.

Article V: The Binding Clause

Bound, are ye,

Bound are we,

That all set forth,

In this Infernal pact,

Sworn South, East, West and North,

Shall ye and we enact.

Twice signed and sealed in blood and ecclesiaster, as the beast known as Temper didst foul the first parchment with excessive licking, by all present:

The Thirteen Lords Devilish:

1.Lord Whimsy

2.Lord Mischief

3.Lord Gluttony

4.Lord Ire

5.Lord Avarice

6.Lord Indolence

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