Page 41 of The Malevolent Eight

‘I don’t bluff, if that’s what you’re hoping, shit-for-horns. You had the seven of us brought here against our will to find out what we know and to work out a deal. You have roughed us up and humiliated us to show us who’s boss. That’s fine. War is an ugly business. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t rules.’

‘Oh, and whose rules are those, Cadey-Cadey-Cade?’ asked Lord Whimsy.

‘Myrules, you slack-jawed halfwit. And you’re on the verge of breaking the only one that matters. You wanted to smack us around and prove how tough you are? Fine. Mission accomplished. Now, unshackle us, heal our wounds and for the sake of all dignity get that tail off of Aradeus’ arse so we can get to the negotiations. Because if you do any permanent damage to a member of my crew– you take one teensy step over that cliff’s edge you’re too stupid to see you’re standing on– and I will make your worst enemies weep at the memory of what was left of you when I was finally done.’

Lord Ire started to speak, but I cut him off.

‘Don’t talk. Quit pretending you don’t know exactly who I am, because I’m pretty sure Tenebris gave you regular reports about me back when you were using him to sell me spells. I’m Cade-fucking-Ombra, and if the next thing that happens in this feeble excuse for a back-alley brothel isn’t me and my friends being released so we can work out the deal you brought us here to make, I willend you, motherfuckers.’

There was silence for a long while, broken only when Temper repeated, ‘Motherfucker.’ I don’t know how, but I would swear on my own grave that the kangaroo had understood every word I’d uttered and wanted the Lords Devilish to know that what I’d just said went double for him.

But maybe not; he’s just a dumb vampiric kangaroo, after all.

I’d been in plenty of stand-offs in my time, so I figured I knew all the possible ways they could end. Mayhem is common. Walking away, less so. Sadly, most belligerents usually start up again with more threats.

This was the first stand-off I’d ever been involved in that ended with applause.

Chapter 20

Curtain Calls

The applause showered upon us by the Lords Devilish upon the stage that was their clashing scarlet cathedral was beyond enthusiastic. This wasraucousapplause.Ecstaticapplause. The kind of applause of which the finest minstrels, stage actors and politicians can only dream.

‘Bravo!’ bellowed Lord Ire.

‘Wonderful, simply wonderful!’ cheered Lord Temptation.

‘Brought a tear to my eye,’ added Lord Gluttony. ‘And Infernals haven’t even got tear ducts!’

Pretty soon you won’t have a skull, either, you piece of shit.

Despite my show of indifference, the sight of me as the literal embodiment of cruelty and violation– that wasn’t going to fade with a few weepy late-night therapy sessions around the campfire. I was pretty sure itwouldfade when I was done killing Lord Gluttony some day after we’d finished preventing eternal war from wrecking our already pretty crappy Mortal realm.

‘Tenebris always said you were a good time, Cadester.’ Lord Whimsy gave me a playful punch in the shoulder. It shattered the bones. ‘Oops, sorry, pal.’

‘No problem,’ I said, grunting as I tried to keep from falling unconscious. ‘You can fix it when you stick my guts back in my torso.’

‘Oh, right. Here, let me help you with that.’

In a just and merciful universe, the reversal of our injuries would have happened with the snap of taloned fingers. Unfortunately, this universe is a horror show that makes the cheap theatrics of the Lords Devilish pale by comparison, so we had to sit there in silent agony while their malefic, demoniac and diabolic servants performed a variety of mystical and all-too-mundane surgeries on us. The hardest fix? Getting the tail off Aradeus. That part, admittedly, was fun to watch.

When the healing was done and we’d all established just how vicious and vile we were prepared to be, I stood on unsteady feet before the assembled Lords Devilish and asked, ‘Shall we get the negotiations started, or do you want to screw around some more?’

No one applauded this renewed declaration of defiance, but none of them were laughing, either, which meant they were finally ready to get down to the haggling.

‘You seek information,’ said Lord Gloom. His horns, a thicket of twisted bones, grew like vines from both his temples.

I hate it when people state the obvious as if it were some profound insight, so I countered with something less obvious. ‘And the thirteen of you, no doubt, seek to screw with the Aurorals but are too chicken-shit to do it yourselves.’

‘Very well,’ said Lord Avarice, whose glowing orange eyes were barely visible beneath the six tiny downwards-curving horns above each of his brows. ‘Let us begin wi—’

‘No,’ I said, cutting him off. I glanced at Galass, Corrigan, Shame, Alice, Aradeus and Temper, all of whom– well, except the kangaroo– were looking as shaky as I felt after our respective torments. ‘First, you pay the fine.’

‘The fine?’ asked Lord Ire, tendrils of angry flame like lashes whipping out from the tips of his massive bull horns to sting my cheeks. ‘What “fine” would a petty Mortal wonderist levy against us?’

‘You’ve just put us through seven hells, so before we go making any deals, I want some information up front. Prove to me that you dumb bastards know anything useful andthenwe’ll talk about making a trade for the rest.’

My demand was highly unusual – you might even have called my behaviour rude and unseemly. However, we’d showed them we could take a punch, so they knew we were not to be fucked with.

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