Page 31 of The Malevolent Eight

Chapter 16

The Lords Celestine

The ignorant and ill-educated may imagine the immortal manifestations of the Twelve Auroral Virtues to be flawless golden-skinned figures draped in pristine white togas seated atop intricately carved marble thrones, gazing down in judgement upon worthy and unworthy alike. This is, obviously, a childish oversimplification: the Lords Celestine, even when appearing as Presences upon the Mortal realm, donotwear togas. They wear elaborately brocaded coats embroidered in gold, silver and purple threads depicting scenes of moral rectitude. Whenever one speaks, their embroidery comes alive, playing out brief morality tales suited to that Celestine’s particular field of virtue. It’s distracting as hell.

‘Why do you believe you have come to plead before us, Gallantry?’ asked the Celestine of Justice.

See what she did there?Why doyoubelieve you have come to plead?That’s because they take it for granted that mere Mortals couldn’t possibly know their own minds. To them, we’re basically petulant children who act out of instinct, not thought, requiring the guiding hand of the Celestines to achieve even the most basic degree of self-reflection.

This was the third time she’d called me by my Justiciar name, and the third time Corrigan snorted, ‘Gallantry!’ and elbowed Temper. ‘Cade’s witch-hunter name was Gallantry! Can you believe it?Gallantry!’ Whereupon the two equally dim-witted brutes began chortling uncontrollably and highly ill-advisedly.

‘Why does this malodorous beast taint this sacred air with its foul stench and discordant mockery?’ demanded the Celestine of Courtesy.

That’s right: Courtesy is one of the twelve highest virtues. I could explain the spiritual reasoning behind this using incomprehensible algebraic tenets of philosophy, though you still wouldn’t understand because you too are an ill-bred beast, at least as far as the Auroral Hierarchy is concerned.

‘Hey!’ Corrigan said defensively, placing an arm around Temper’s shoulders. ‘He may be a blood-sucking kangaroo, but he hasfeelings. And he’snotmalodorous—’

‘She was referring to you,’ I clarified.

Corrigan sniffed his own armpit before conceding, ‘Fair enough.’

I prostrated myself before the Celestine of Justice, she being one of the few of these smug bastards I could tolerate genuflecting to without potentially fatal spasms of nausea. ‘Celestine Justice, I wish to consult the Glorian Archives.’

When a Justiciar, or any Mortal agent of the Celestines ostentatiously dubbed ‘Glorians’,acts under the purview of an Auroral Edict, our every move, every sensory perception, everythoughtis recorded, preserved and enshrined in the annals of the Glorian Archives. This is necessary because Mortals operating under the Auroral influence tend to remember nothing about those they’ve been sent to hunt down, only how brave and righteous they’ve been in the performance of their duties. So, really no different from most other law enforcement agencies.

‘What purpose will reliving the past serve, save to arouse vanity or seek undeserved redemption?’ asked the Celestine of Humility with his customary, almost grandfatherly amusement. He was a right prick, that one.

‘And why must these errant wonderists appear before us naked?’ asked Chastity. More youthful and slender in appearance, he was a right prick too, with a celestial stick up his butt about nudity. Kind of like a lot of Infernals, though I wouldn’t suggest making that comparison to him.

The question, however, was fair enough. The Ritual of Invitation was prescribed by the Celestine of Humility. You might assume Chastity and Humility to be two sides of the same coin, but the truth is quite the opposite: a humble person should never hesitate to debase themselves when pleading for an audience with a higher power; achasteperson, on the other hand, has the common decency to cover up their naughty bits in polite society.

‘Does not the reliving of such trivial debates diminish any argument we might offer against the Fallen Glorian’s request to consult his own past?’ asked the Celestine of Rationality. The Presence of Rationality, it has to be said, is unbelievably sexy. She’s always been one of my favourite Celestines, despite never having the time of day for a Justiciar like me. Well,except for that one night we had sex inside a conjured cathedral much like this one, but that’s another story– which, in retrospect, was probably the fallout from a nasty theological debate she’d had with Chastity. Honestly, I came away from the entire experience feeling somewhat used.

‘How long are they going to go on like this?’ Galass asked quietly.

‘Eternally,’ said Shame.

I had failed to warn Corrigan about my stupid Glorian name, I hadn’t gagged him to stop him giggling like an idiot every time someone said it aloud and now came my third mistake: I had failed to convince Shame that an apostate Angelic Emissary must never,everspeak in front of her former masters.

‘Obscenity!’ proclaimed the Celestine of Compassion. He was a heavy-set fellow,or at least, that’s how he chose to manifest here on the Mortal plane. His jowly cheeks and soft green eyes usually evoked a sense of understanding and forgiveness in those who beheld him. The way he glared at Shame, however, suggested there wasn’t a trace of mercy in him. ‘You abused the abilities granted to Angelic Emissaries by twisting the physical bodies of the so-called Seven Brothers into grotesque parodies of humanity!’

For the first time since I’d met her, Shame looked as if she were about to stride right up to the Celestine of Compassion and punch his teeth out. I may be no expert on the duties of leadership, according to my so-called friends, but this felt like the right time for me to step in.

‘Go ahead,’ I told Compassion, standing between Shame and him. ‘Pretend it wasn’t the twelve of you who groomed the Sublime boy, Fidick, so that when the time was right he would force Shame to perform that particular atrocity so you could enter the Mortal realm.’ I jabbed a finger at my old boss sitting three seats to his right. ‘But say it to her.’

Compassion didn’t take me up on my offer. Perhaps even he felt uncomfortable giving false testimony in front of the Celestine of Justice.

I should’ve been content with that moral victory, and keeping Shame from getting herself deconsecrated into dust into the bargain, but keeping my mouth shut is one spell I’ve never mastered.

‘That’s what I thought,’ I said, although it was probably the smug expression I’d failed to keep from my face that caused things to go south from there.

‘Youmockus?’ demanded the Celestine of Propriety– yes, also one of the twelve highest virtues. In case you’re wondering, when first the Auroral Song composed itself and created the Celestine Virtues, neither Decency nor Altruism made the top twelve. Imagine that.

The serene luminescence within the cathedral collapsed into an abyssal darkness that was soon shattered by a tempest brewing above us where the domed ceiling had been. Flames of pure white outrage licked the walls, hissing and spitting like snakes about to strike, while shadows rose up behind them in the shape of shackles and chains from which there would be no release. All around us, heavenly censure and damnation filled the air.

‘Nowthisis more like it,’ Corrigan said approvingly.

‘The abomination will not speak again!’ commanded the Celestine of Abnegation. That’s ‘self-sacrifice’ for those who didn’t waste half their youth studying Auroral theology.

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