Page 48 of Perfect Mess

The truth was, I had no intention of ever helping Gary paint. I only wore the old clothes to make him think I was going to help. Then I was going to fake an injury or something. Really, all I wanted was a chance to talk.

“I hope you’re not allergic to mosquitos.” Gary tossed me the bug spray. “Or bees.”

A sense of impending doom started buzzing around in my head. Like a mosquito. Or bees. “What exactly are we doing here, anyway?” I eyed the dense thickets of trees surrounding us. I was fairly certain it was the location where they filmed that movie with Leonardo DiCaprio, the one where the grizzly bear mauled him and left him for dead.

“Nature hike.” Gary’s voice was supernaturally chipper for someone who had just uttered the words nature and hike in the same sentence. “Come on, the other chaperones are inside with the kids.”

“Kids?” I preferred the thought of hiking with grizzly bears.

* * *

The insideof the cabin looked like something straight out of a horror house. The first thing I saw when I stepped inside was a stuffed bear in a glass case, jaw gaping and claws poised for attack.

But the bear wasn’t the only dead animal in the room. A coyote, an otter, a raccoon, and an owl all stared back at me with dead black eyes, a slight smile on their frozen faces. Like they knew what was coming and couldn’t wait to watch.

“Okay everybody, start gathering your groups!” A uniformed park ranger, Sarah, according to her name badge, tried to wrangle the children that were running and jumping all over the room. I can’t say which was more horrific, the dead animals or the screaming children. “Everyone settle down.” Sarah waved her hands in vain. “Please.”

A little freckled girl squealed as she knocked a porcupine off a display case. Quills scattered like buckshot.

“Dad!” a small voice rang out. I turned just in time to see a little boy charge toward us. I barely had time to duck as he leaped at Gary. His tiny arms wrapped around Gary’s neck in a chokehold. They wrestled. Fighting for his very life, Gary flipped the kid over and set him on the ground. Then Gary gave the little boy a noogie.

“Dad, did you see the snakes?” The boy dashed back over to his compatriots, who were banging on glass cases filled with large, hairy spiders and poisonous looking snakes.

“Dad? You have a kid?”

“His name is Kyle.” For some reason, Gary seemed proud.

“You didn’t tell me you had a kid.”

“You didn’t ask.”

Kyle reached into one of the aquariums and pulled out a snake. I assumed it wasn’t a poisonous one, or if it was, some responsible adult would intervene.

“He just turned eight.”

I looked at the pandemonium swirling around me. When I first entered the cabin, Ranger Sarah had been a young, perky brunette. I had a feeling by the end of the day, she would be completely grey. “So this job you tricked me into, what exactly are we doing?”

“Field trip chaperone.” Gary swept his arm across the surrounding mayhem. “As you can see, they could use the help.”

As I would later learn, the Summer Ultimate Kids Camp was one of the best summer camps for six to twelve-year-olds in all of Central Florida. Or, more specifically, it was the only summer camp that was affordable and still had an open spot left by the time Gary realized summer camps fill up quickly and he better get off his ass and make a reservation.

The Summer Ultimate Kids Camp had a sports day, a movie day, a creative arts day, and if it wasn’t raining, they rigged up the slip and slide every Friday. Best of all, there was a weekly field trip. Each new destination was more amazing than the last. For example, the trip to the zoo, where one year Happy the hippo got it on with Helga in front of the entire class. Entertaining and educational. Then there was the trip to the water park. The one with the Raging River, the Lazy River, and what the camp counselors christened the River of Pee, because that’s where they let the preschoolers swim.

But of all the field trips, throughout the entire summer, the trip to the Nature Park was the one trip every single child looked forward to … the least. Inevitably, someone got stung by a wasp, someone passed out from heatstroke, or someone lost a shoe in the mud. That’s why there was plenty of room for another chaperone.

I looked around the room of dead animals and screaming children, the horrific reality of my situation fully sinking in. One eye on the exit door, I told Gary, “I have limited experience with kids.”

“Really? I never would have guessed,” Gary deadpanned. “It’s easy. If you see a kid in one of those orange shirts…”

I realized all the children were wearing matching orange shirts.

Gary continued, “Just tell them to sit down, shut up, or keep their hands to themself. Watch.” Gary pointed to a kid wearing an orange shirt, carrying an alligator skull, chasing other kids around the room. “Maxwell, keep your hands to yourself!”

Maxwell ignored him, gnashing the jaws of the skull up and down to make it bite another kid’s face.

Gary frowned. “Okay, so I’m not exactly a pro myself. Speaking of pros …”

A woman walked over. “Hey Gary, who’s this?” She was holding the hand of a little girl who looked the same age as Kyle.

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