Page 38 of Perfect Mess

“I’m still not entirely sure how it happened,” I said. Which was the truth. I still couldn’t believe it myself. The boy who had traumatized me in high school, had resurfaced after twenty years, now an incredibly handsome, amazing, nice smelling man, and somehow, I, like a complete idiot, had aligned the stars, the sun, and the moon to create the perfect storm situation which brought Jack and Janet together.

“You have to do something,” Ralph said, stating the obvious. “They would be horrible together.”

“It would be a disaster,” I agreed.

“Jack Thompson is a complete asshole,” said Ralph.

“Once an asshole, always an asshole,” I agreed, though I still needed to investigate that assumption for myself.

Over at the bar, we watched as the female bartender leaned over the bar talking to Jack, smiling and batting her eyes, the top half of her unbuttoned shirt allowing her surgically enhanced bosom to practically spill out onto Jack’s nuts. The bar snack variety, just to be clear. And then there was another table of horny MILF’s checking out his butt.

“I don’t even see what women see in him.” Ralph looked like he was trying to give Jack a brain aneurysm telepathically.

“Well …” I began.

“Well, what?” Ralph raised an eyebrow.

“He is a doctor.”

“Doctors are self absorbed pricks.” Ralph had a thing against all doctors. I think it was some kind of doctors versus lawyers thing.

“Janet says he makes balloon animals for children.”

“What kind of balloon animals? Like a snake? Because if it’s a snake, that doesn’t count.”

“No, not a snake, the good ones. Monkeys and giraffes and stuff.”

“Monkeys?”

I nodded.

“Giraffes?”

I nodded again.

“I wonder if he can do a tiger?”

“Probably.”

“I love tigers.”

I patted Ralph on the back. “I know you do.” Ralph’s favorite animal was a tiger. In fact, he was wearing an Aloha shirt with a tiger shooting lasers out of its eyes that very night.

“You know what else Janet said Jack is good at?”

“I don’t think I want to know. He doesn’t play the ukulele, does he?” Ralph had recently started taking ukulele lessons on YouTube. He was extremely proud of himself. Though for the life of me, I did not know why.

“No, not the ukulele. Janet says he plays acoustic guitar. Jimmy Buffett mostly.”

“Hell. I love Jimmy Buffett. Now I want a cheeseburger.”

“Jack is good at everything. I mean everything.”

“What an asshole.”

“He bakes soufflés. Chocolate soufflés. Who does that?”

“Jerk.”

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