Page 15 of Perfect Mess

“You like Justin Bieber?” Gary called through the locked bathroom door.

“No,” I yelled back. When I looked at myself in the mirror, my braless nipples jut out of Justin Bieber’s forehead like a set of erect devil horns, and the coarse material of the overalls chafed my cheeks. Not the cheeks on my face.

When I opened the door, Gary was waiting for me. To his credit, he tried not to laugh. To his detriment, he failed.

“Is there a specific reason you keep an old Justin Bieber T-shirt in your van?” I asked.

“Long story,” he replied.

If the overalls were baggy on Gary, they were ten times baggier on me. Luckily, Gary had duct tape. Lots of duct tape. He even let me pick my color, silver, black, or red. Gary suggested red. I told him where he could stick his red duct tape. So he handed me the black. Did you know you can use duct tape to make a belt? Suspenders too.

Gary followed me back down to the foyer, where he had already cleaned up and painted over the red with a coat of primer. “Better?”

I glared at him. By that point, my emotional stability sagged even lower than the duct tape strapped overalls. In my mind, I waved a white flag. “I’m going to call it a day,” I told Gary. “Go home and change. Into another person entirely, if possible. One who has better karma.” I pointed to the wall where the red paint was now covered over with white primer. “Greige please. Just greige.”

As I headed down the driveway, still wearing the borrowed overalls and T-shirt, Gary called after me. “Say hi to Janet for me.”

ChapterFour

The pickleball crowd was out in full force that night. By the time I got there, the courts were already overflowing with players. In the summer heat, you had to go really early or really late in the day to avoid the peak potency of the sun.

Luckily, Janet got there early and put her paddle in the queue, saving our place in line. I found her sitting on a bench, then plopped down beside her. “You abandoned me.”

“Technically, you abandoned me,” Janet pointed out. “You and Ralph left me there by myself.”

“They took me away in an ambulance,” I said. It was a good excuse.

“Paddles up!” Mable, one of the regulars, waved us over. Each game was played to eleven, two against two. The winning pair stayed on the court to play the next challenger, while the losers were banished back to the benches.

Janet and I lined up on one side. Mabel and her partner, Dick, on the other. “You need a warm-up first?” Mabel called over the net.

“Sure,” I said. “Just a couple of swings to get loose.” I was probably going to need more swings than a couple. After going home and changing, I had tried taking a nap. But between the nightmares about cattle stampedes and drowning in a red sea of paint, it was hard to get any rest.

Turning to Janet, I said, “You were supposed to meet us at the hospital.”

Janet leaned over in a ready position, twirling her paddle in her hand. “I would have met you at the hospital if my car hadn’t gotten stuck in the mud.”

Mabel swatted the ball over the net toward me, and I swatted it back.

“Your car got stuck?” Dick volleyed the ball toward Janet.

“Yes.” Janet tapped it back. “Which is exactly what I told you would happen, but you wouldn’t let me move my car, so everything is your fault.”

I scrambled to my left to slice a backhand toward Mabel. “You could have called at least. Checked in on me.”

Janet had to retreat to chase down a lob. “I did call.” The ball rolled out of bounds, breaking the flow of play.

I had checked my phone at least a dozen times. Janet’s number never showed. I was sure of it.

“You two ready to get your butts whipped?” Mabel tossed the perforated pickleball from one hand to the other, a wicked grin on her face. Mabel was well known throughout Central Florida pickleball circles as a notorious trash talker, despite her advanced age of seventy-two. “I hope you two put your big girl panties on today because Dick and I aren’t messing around.”

“Well, technically, we are messing around,” said Dick. “But you know what she means.” He playfully swatted Mabel’s butt with his paddle. Ironically, I was the one who first introduced Dick and Mabel during a lesson over at the Senior Center. They hit it off right away and had been together ever since.

“You serve first.” Mabel threw the ball over the net to Janet.

Janet got into position. “In fact, I called you about ten times.”

I lined up behind the baseline beside her. “The only calls I had last night were from “Unknown Number.” About ten of them.

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