Page 80 of Perfect Mess

Standing there, trying to figure out my next move, I had another eureka moment. Purrfect and I would move in to Aunt Catherine’s house. With the walls painted, the flooring down, and the kitchen cabinets and appliances in place, I could start working on all the other things that were vital to selling a house. The furnishings, decorations, and staging.

I would tear out the damn wallpaper myself, in between everything else. If I was staying there, I could focus all my extra attention and effort on the cause. The sooner I had everything finished, the sooner I could list the house, sell it, and never look back. The more I thought about it, the more it all made sense. With things finally going my way, I would capitalize on the momentum and plow full steam ahead. Seize the moment. Rule the day!

I went straight back to my apartment and packed. The good thing about living the lifestyle of a minimalist celibate nun is I had little to box up. A couple of outfits, my pickleball gear, some pots and pans for the kitchen. And of course, Purrfect’s cat supplies. I had already planned on renting furniture for staging, so I called the rental place and paid for rush delivery.

* * *

The next day,I spent most of the afternoon experimenting with different configurations and arrangements until I found the perfect placement for every piece of furniture. I placed hooks for the artwork, measured for curtains, and installed blinds. I staged knick knacks on dressers and books on shelves. I shopped for throw rugs, decorative pillows, and faux flowers for the dining room. In the bathroom, I installed a gold flaked mirror I found at a yard sale. Turning cheap things into something spectacular was my specialty.

When I ran out of ideas to delay dealing with the wallpaper, I pulled up an A.I. chatbot and asked it if Home Depot rented flamethrowers. Turns out they do not. Taking a break to put my foot up, I sat on a rented chair in my inherited house with my inherited cat, glowering at the rose and vine monstrosity. Unable to stomach it any longer, I took a stab at the wallpaper myself. A literal stab, that is, with a knife.

After slicing off a corner, I plucked the edge with my fingers and pulled. It was like pulling off one of those extra sticky price tags they put on with superglue. I would pull free a tiny scrap of a piece and then it would tear and I would have to scrape up a corner or an edge all over again.

After about twenty minutes of effort, only a small circle of wallpaper had come loose, peeling away in a thousand tiny bits. By that point, it wasn’t just my ankle throbbing, my back ached from bending over and my knees felt like they were made of rust after all the squatting. I limped across the kitchen and plopped down in the chair again to consider my options. At the rate I was going, it would take years to scrape off all the wallpaper, the equivalent of a moderate prison sentence. I considered having Gus just knock down the walls with a bulldozer.Does a house really need a kitchen, anyway?

Purrfect watched me from the counter, seeming to enjoy my misery. The wallpaper shouldn’t have even been there. Gary was supposed to get rid of it when I hired him to paint the house. Yet there I was, an unsatisfied customer, staring at a job he never finished. The more I thought about it, the more my frustration grew. It was a matter of principle. When someone hires you to do something, you do it. You finish the job no matter what.

I grabbed my phone and texted Gary’s number.

MARY:

hey

NEW PAINTER:

what’s up?

everything ok?

MARY:

need to talk about the wallpaper

NEW PAINTER:

I’m at little league practice

talk later?

I didn’t respond to his last text. I didn’t want to leave anything to chance, so I snatched up my keys and started marching toward the door. It had nothing to do with wanting to see Gary again, just to be clear. I swear.

* * *

When I gotto the park, I waited in the parking lot to surveil the scene. The sun was so bright it pierced Charlotte’s tinted windows like they were plastic wrap. I cranked the climate control all the way to blizzard. Charlotte hissed as frigid air billowed out of the vents like a tornado.

I waited until little league practice ended, and the parents collected their dirt stained, sweat soaked children. I saw Karen go out onto the field to wrangle Cary. They walked back toward the dugout with Gary and Kyle.Ugh.The last thing I needed was Karen distracting Gary from Janet, when Gary was supposed to be distracting Janet from Jack. That’s when I saw the yellow Corvette roll into the parking lot, its engine rumbling like a tiger. I would have recognized it anywhere.Ralph???

I sunk down in my seat to avoid being seen. The Corvette pulled into a parking spot, then Ralph got out and waved.What the heck???Before I knew what was happening, Karen sprang from the dugout and pranced over to Ralph. I stared, dumbfounded, as they hugged. For a split second, I considered the possibility that I had somehow slipped into another dimension.

After the generously warm greeting, Karen fetched Cary, and they all squeezed into Ralph’s car. The doors closed. The tiger growled. Ralph, Karen, and Cary all rode off into the sunset together. I was definitely in another dimension, for sure.

It took me a moment to process what I had just witnessed. Ralph and Karen? Together? As intogethertogether? To be fair, I had told Ralph to keep Karen away from Gary, without specifying the techniques. Whatever I might have thought of his methods, I had to admire Ralph for not half-assing it. Ralph full-assed it all the way. Making a mental note to interrogate Ralph later, I made my way over to the baseball field.

When Gary saw me, he didn’t seem surprised. “Great,” he said, slipping a baseball glove on one hand. He punched his ungloved fist into the leather with aSMACK. “You’re just in time to help.”

“What exactly am I helping with?” I eyed the baseball he was holding suspiciously.

“Swing practice.” Gary smiled.

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