Page 8 of Perfect Mess

And that was it. The point when everything everywhere went horribly, horribly wrong all at once. In hindsight, it was my plan’s fatal flaw. The Achilles heel. Putting things into the hands of the Universe. Because the Universe is a bitch. And she didn’t just have Janet’s fate clenched in her iron grip. She also had mine.

Janet handed me back my empty cup. “Of course I have one small condition.” Janet drummed her fingers together, like an evil supervillain planning world annihilation.

In the distance, I could hear the Universe laughing.

ChapterTwo

Before I could bend over and let the universe have its way with me, I had to fulfill my end of Janet’s deal. I didn’t know it at the time, but it was a deal with the devil.

“Go on,” Janet urged. “He won’t hurt you.” Janet was forever the optimist. She was delusional, but optimistically so. Ralph had his phone out so he could record.

I held the carrot out in front of me as far as I could reach. Simon pushed the entirety of his baby cow weight against the gate, trying to get to the carrot. The gate bulged outward. A few more pounds of pressure and I think it would have burst.

“Now you’re just teasing him,” Janet scolded. Simon’s long pink tongue flicked through the bars.

I inched closer. “I’m not teasing him. I’m just trying to avoid getting my hand mauled.”

“He won’t bite you.” Janet stepped on the bottom rail of the gate for added height and leaned over the fence. She patted Simon on top of his head. “See? He’s friendly.” The baby cow mooed appreciatively, tilting its head and leaning into Janet’s patting.

I eyed Simon, looking for any sign of aggression. He licked his lips. Whether he was eyeing the carrot, or my fingers, I couldn’t be sure. In the distance, thunderclouds rumbled, which in hindsight was a clear portent of doom.

I took a deep breath.

I made my peace with God.

I leaned in toward Simon and I …

“Hey, is that Jack Thompson over there?” Ralph pointed across the yard.

My head whipsawed like I had been smacked hard across the face, following Ralph’s line of sight. My eyes locked on him instantly. Like a submarine captain staring down an incoming torpedo.

It took me a moment to realize my mouth was hanging open. The entire time I had been staring at Jack Thompson, Ralph and Janet had been staring at me. They looked at me the same way they had looked at the ass on the road.Was she just going to just stand there drooling? Or was she going to charge?

“You okay?” Janet looked at me as if I was about to jump from a tall building.

“Of course I’m okay. Why wouldn’t I be okay?” The ninety-two degree air felt like it was ninety two hundred. Straightening the foam hat on my head, I said, “I’m not a teenager anymore Ralph, I’m a fully grown adult woman. I’m the number two agent in the number three real estate firm in all of Central Florida. I have my own Netflix account. I even have a 401k with company matching. I don’t even know what that means, but I have one and my company matches it.”

“You don’t seem okay,” Ralph said.

“Yeah. Like the opposite of okay,” said Janet.

Somehow, I pulled my eyes away from Jack. “Actually, you know what? I’m better than okay. I’m great. I can still do downward dog in yoga class without rupturing my spinal cord. I have all my original teeth. Plus, guess what? I still fit in size six jeans.” I lifted my shirt to show them.

“Your button is loose,” said Janet.

I yanked down my shirt. “I’m still wearing them, aren’t I?”

“Do you want us to call 9-1-1?” Ralph asked. “Your face is the color of an infected pimple.”

“Look, Mary, nobody would blame you if you were still upset after what he did to you.” Janet’s eyes narrowed as she watched Jack get some sort of blue colored drink from the bar. “I know I would be.”

“That was twenty years ago,” I said. “Ancient history. I’m not the type to hold a grudge.”

Ralph rolled his eyes. “You’re exactly the type to hold a grudge. Grudge-holding is your secret superpower.”

“Not sure that’s a secret,” said Janet.

“Well, I hope you really are over him, Mary,” said Ralph. “Because he’s looking this way.”

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