Page 71 of Perfect Mess

As I made my way across the parking lot, I saw vendors hawking protein bars, gym memberships, and chiropractic adjustments. I picked up a coupon from an amiable lady who was advertising her pet therapy services. I figured Purrfect had some issues to work through and could use the help.

As I navigated my way through the chaos, the humidity made it feel like I was wading through a bowl of warm soup. The sun was barely up over the trees, but the pavement was already hot enough to grill pancakes. It wasn’t long before sweat puddled in my cleavage and my spandex sports bra started chaffing my nipples.

When I arrived at the registration area, I scoped out the scene. Like a grand master surveying the chess board, making sure each piece was strategically placed.

Jack, the king piece, held court in the sponsors tent, chatting with Nurse Kelsey. I’m not sure what kind of piece she was supposed to be. Whichever one is closest to a shameless, slutty whore.Bishop maybe?

I watched them from afar, assessing the situation. Nurse Kelsey threw herself at Jack like she was stranded on a deserted island without her vibrator. She wore a formfitting crop top that showed off her perky boobs and washboard abs. Her spandex running shorts left nothing to the imagination. Even from where I was standing, I could tell her bikini lines were freshly waxed.

Pulling my eyes away from Nurse Kelsey, I found the Queen of the chessboard at the snack table, cutting up bananas and oranges. Janet wore a neon yellow T-shirt that said VOLUNTEER, completely oblivious to what was happening in the sponsor tent behind her.

That’s why Janet plus Jack would never work. Jack was like some kind of rock star, surrounded by bra flinging groupies, throwing themselves at him wherever he went. And as Janet’s best friend, I couldn’t stand idly by and let her get hurt. Just like she had rescued me from Jack twenty years ago at prom, it was now my turn to rescue her.

My attention shifted to the pawns in the game, Gary and Ralph. Ralph’s assignment was to run interference, keep Karen far away from Gary, so I could get Gary close to Janet. Then I could get close to Jack. Ralph had been readily agreeable to the idea, which was strange, because Ralph was never agreeable about anything.

I spotted Ralph and Karen chatting by the playground. Kyle and Cary were playing on the swings, taking turns pushing each other back and forth. For not friend-friends, they seemed to get along just fine. I didn’t see Gary, but at least he was nowhere near Karen, which meant Ralph was doing a good job distracting her. So far, so good.

Keeping an eye out for Gary, I entered my name on the sign-in sheet at the registration table. Susan, the receptionist from Jack’s office, collected my ticket. She wore a yellow VOLUNTEER T-shirt, just like Janet. Luckily, she didn’t seem to recognize me.

“Are you green or are you purple?” Susan asked, holding up two numbered race bibs. One race bib was green. The other one was purple.

“What’s the difference?” I asked.

“Purple is for the Family Fun Run,” Susan answered.

Out of curiosity, I asked. “What exactly is supposed to be fun about it?”

“There’s a massage station at the halfway point. For foot massages. One of the other sponsors is a podiatrist.”Figures.Susan continued, “There are misting stations all along the route, and a water balloon toss at the mile markers, you know, in case you want to cool off.” Susan’s smile was too big for this early in the morning. “Best of all, at the end, they’re giving out ice cream sundaes.” Susan paused for dramatic effect. “With sprinkles!”

“What about the green one?” I asked, pointing at the other running bib.

Susan’s smile faded. “The green one is for the competition runners. That’s the race where they’re giving out medals.” I looked over at the sponsor tent. Jack wore a green bib.Because of course he did.

“Is there a foot massage station in that one?” I asked.

Susan shook her head.

“Misting stations?”

Susan shook her head again. “But that course goes right past the lake. You just have to watch out for the alligators along the bank. And the snakes. Oh, and somebody said they saw a wild boar over there earlier this morning.”

I opened my mouth to ask my next question, but Susan must have read my mind because she said, “The green race doesn’t have any ice cream either.”

Susan held out both bibs. One purple. One green. “So what’ll it be?” It was the equivalent of being asked if I wanted to go to the spa for the full body hot stone massage or get a swift kick in the vagina.

I glanced back over at Jack, still wearing green. If I was going to get close to him, obviously I had to enter the same race that he did. The purple race bibs all seemed to be worn by children in strollers, overweight housewives, or elderly seniors with walkers and colostomy bags.

I chose the vagina kick.

As I was pinning the green bib to my chest, taking care not to puncture a boob, a familiar smell wafted my way. Vanilla scented massage oil. Cherry-flavored lube. The sickly sweet scent ripped open old memories before I even heard her voice.

“Mary? Mary Burns? Is that you?” The voice weaseled into my ears and wormed into my brain. Burrowing past the logic and reason parts, boring directly into the fight-or-flight survival zone. The part that cave women used to fight off hungry dinosaurs. Or horny cave men.

Somehow, even though I was already soaked, my body sweat doubled, every pore like a fire hose. My heart felt like it was trying to claw its way out of my chest. “Oh my gosh, Mary Burns, I can’t believe you’re here!”

I slowly turned to find myself face to face with Ashley Griffin, Jack’s old girlfriend from high school. The girl responsible for the most humiliating moment of my entire life.

“It is sooooo good to see you again,” Ashley squealed. Before I knew what hit me, her arms wrapped around me in a giant,I’m pretending it’s so good to see you again,hug. It was like being in a group hug with a dead corpse, a penguin, and a vampiric Eskimo. An icy chill shuddered through my body as her hands brushed my bare skin.

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