Page 69 of Perfect Mess

“Remove a manhole cover so he falls into the alligator infested sewers?”

“I’d prefer no plans that involve alligators.”

“How about I Tonya Harding his kneecap?”

“Ralph, you’re overcomplicating things.”

“I’m overcomplicating things?”

“It’s very simple, really. Remember what happened after cow-nado?”

“It’s a moment I’ll never forget.” Ralph held his hand over his heart.

I ignored him. “Remember what Jack did? He swooped in like the hero. Because he’s a doctor. It’s what he does. All you have to do is pretend to pass out or something.”

“If we go through with this, I will not have to pretend.”

“Jack will stop to help, and Gary will just cruise on by to victory. See?”

“Not really.”

Out on the baseball field, Kyle was chasing a butterfly, the second baseman was adjusting himself, and the catcher was making a sand castle in the clay next to home plate.

Gary shouted, “Okay everybody, I think we’ll call it a day. We’ll see you all again next week. Don’t forget your water bottles. Billy, is that your cleat?”

As the parents collected their players, I turned to Ralph. “It’s go time.”

Ralph slumped his shoulders and sighed.

* * *

We setoff from the back corner, past the outfield, and adjusted our pace to time our arrival to coincide with the moment Gary stepped off the clay. The jogging path was about two and a half miles total, but Ralph and I only had to run the short stretch that rounded the back side of the baseball diamond, then cross the sidewalk between the restrooms and the dugouts.

Ahead, on the baseball field, Gary collected an errant ball and a discarded glove near first base. Then he angled toward the opening in the fence to exit the field.

Instinctively, Ralph and I quickened our step, powering through the stiffness in our joints. At this point my body was on autopilot, my stride automatic, my brain in a zone. I was a huntress, springing across the grasslands to devour my prey. Every muscle in my body was taunt and flexed.

Gary passed through the dugout out onto to the sidewalk. Ralph and I had timed our arrival perfectly, like a Rube Goldberg Machine, where every domino and playing card fell into place.

We were only seconds from interception.

Gary turned.

That’s when Karen appeared, right in front of us, forcing Ralph and I to skid to a halt.

“Mary?” The look of disgust in her eyes only flashed for a second. “It’s sooooo good to see you again.” Karen’s voice sing-songed up and down the scale. “What are you doing here?” Karen flashed her trademark smile. Piranha-like.

“Yes, what are you doing here?” Gary’s face was a mix of many things. Surprise. Suspicion. Intrigue?

Ralph recovered the ability to speak before I did. He said, “Training.” His face was the color of a Carolina Reaper. “Mary’s helping me get ready for a 5k this weekend.”

“It’s …huff… a charity …puff… race …huff… for sick children.” I made a mental note to stop at the nearest emergency room on my way home and ask them for an IV and oxygen.

“Oh, you guys are doing the Family Fun Run?” Gary pointed to the flyer taped to a post beside the dugout. It showed stick figures of a mom, a dad, and two kids with round heads and big smiles, in some sort of running pose. I thought using the words family and fun and run all in the same description was a blatant conflict of interest.

“Yes,” Ralph answered. “The Family Fun Run.”

“What a coincidence,” Karen cooed. “We’re going too.”

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