Page 68 of Perfect Mess

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As we madeour way toward the baseball field, I saw Gary madly motioning in a right to left motion with both arms, in a hopeless attempt to indicate the proper counter clockwise path one should take when running the bases on a baseball field. The oblivious little boy who had just hit the ball sprinted past third base in a huff and was rounding toward second with a full head of steam.

“So let me make sure I fully understand this plan of yours,” said Ralph, as we drew closer to the field. “When practice is over, you and I jog past the baseball field. Gary sees us. Warm salutations and greetings ensue.”

“Something like that.”

“Then Gary says, hey there, Mary, Ralph, so awesome to see you two again. Love those matching running outfits you’re sporting. Say, what are you two doing here in this unbearable Florida heat? Why aren’t you at home playing Call of Duty and drinking gin and tonics like a sane person would do at six thirty on a Thursday evening?”

I crossed my arms.

Ralph continued. “Then I say, we’re here torturing ourselves because Mary is bat shit crazy, and then we all go out and you buy us beer, and we talk him into going to some race thing with Janet.”

I was not amused. “Ralph, this is important,” I said. “It’s important to me, and it’s important to Janet.”

“Why would Janet want Gary to go to this running thing anyway?”

“Because she’s in love with him.”

“I thought Janet was doing the thirty-day thing with Jack.”

“Janet’s only doing the thirty-day thing with Jack because she isn’t doing the thirty-day thing with Gary. Yet. Weren’t you paying attention?”

Now Ralph crossed his arms.

I took a deep breath and continued. “Look, we jog on by, he sees us, he asks us what we’re doing, you say, ‘oh, we’re training for this charity thing for sick children.’ Then Gary says, ‘oh wow, what a wonderful cause, can I help sick children too?’ And then you say, ‘why of course Gary, yes you can, the more the merrier, why don’t we all help sick children together?’”

Ralph nodded. “Yes, yes, that’s exactly how I see this playing out. I love the voices, by the way. Your Ralph voice really captures my essence. Might want to work on your Gary though. I don’t remember him having an Australian accent.” Ralph was always very critical of everything. “Can I ask another question?” Ralph asked. Which in itself was a question, though I didn’t point that out.

“If you must.”

“What kind of sickness are we talking about here?”

“Huh?”

“The children. What kind of sick children are we helping, just in case he asks?”

“I don’t know. Bubonic plague or something. Probably. It’s got to be one of the bad sicknesses if people will go out in this heat.”

“Okay, fine. Let’s say, by some miracle, your ridiculous plan works and Gary plays along. Then, not only do I have to make sure Jack doesn’t win, you want me to make sure Gary finishes fast enough to earn some kind of trophy?”

“Medal,” I corrected.

“Fine, medal.”

“Gary doesn’t have to win a medal. All I want is for him to finish the race ahead of Jack.”

“Have you seen Jack and Gary? Jack can probably run circles around Gary, while simultaneously bench pressing him and giving him a wedgie.”

“You’re thinking of high school Jack and high school Gary.” Then I added, “In case you haven’t noticed, Gary has kind of … bulked up.”

“So how am I supposed to stop Jack from winning, exactly?” Ralph asked.

It was a good question. So good that I didn’t exactly have an answer for it. So I said, “You’re a smart man. I’m sure you’ll think of something.”

“Like toss a banana peel on the ground so he’ll slip and crack his head open?”

“No cracked heads, please.”

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