Page 67 of Perfect Mess

“I’m handing out ribbons at the finish line. And then, for the winners, I get to put a medal around their neck.” Janet got a dreamy look in her eyes. “I told Jack if he won, he might even earn himself a kiss.”

Janet kept talking as we made our way to the parking lot, but whatever words came out of her mouth never made it into my ears. The vision of Janet putting a medal around Jack’s neck and then kissing him was almost as horrifying as when the naked woman bent over to pick up her sock. It was a sight you could never unsee.

When we got to Janet’s car she said, “You should come too. Maybe bring Gary along.” Janet’s grin returned. “Even if you two aren’ttogether, together.” Janet made quote fingers.

Even though I was annoyed by Janet’s persistent delusion that there was something going on between Gary and me, I recognized the moment for the opportunity that it was.

So I matched Janet’s grin. “Good idea!”

* * *

The next day,I went to work setting my new Gary Plus Janet Equals Mary Plus Jack plan into motion. It was a good plan, but a risky one. There could be blood. Definitely sweat. Probably tears. In fact, Ralph already had tears. Or his face was just melting in the heat. We were outside. During Summer. In Florida. The temperature was roughly the same as the surface of the sun.

We were dressed in our brand new running shirts, running shorts, running socks, and running shoes. Even though the sports store guy said the material was breathable, damp polyester stuck to our skins like fly paper. And we hadn’t even started running yet.

Ralph propped his foot up on the back of a bench, presumably to stretch. “Now I know why I never took up running. Or jogging. Or walking. How could anyone do this on purpose?”

Admiring the way my new sports bra held my boobs in place, I said, “Beats me.”

Convincing Ralph to take part in my plan had not been easy. When I first approached Ralph with the idea, his exact words had been, “that would be a hard no.” Then there had been talk of the four horsemen of the apocalypse, and catastrophic climate change in hell. Something involving Satan, Hitler, and Justin Bieber making snow angels together.

I had to pull out my Sadie Rosenberg card.

Sadie Rosenberg was a girl Ralph met in law school. One year, Janet and I went to visit his dorm room during fall break. He’d been fawning after this girl all semester, but she was way out of his league, and he knew it. So he asked for my help. And I gave it to him, saying, “Someday, and that day may never come, I will call upon you to do a service for me. But until that day, accept this assistance as a gift.” I had done theGodfatheraccent and everything.

We took a trip down to the barbershop where I ordered a complete makeover. We scoured the sales racks at Macy’s for a new wardrobe. I even made Ralph memorize a script. By the time I finished with him, the ugly warted frog had become a handsome prince. When Ralph asked her out, Sadie said yes. It ended up being a one-night stand and there was an alleged pregnancy scare, but a deal’s a deal. I sat on that favor for years, saving it for a rainy day. And now, it was raining.

While Ralph finished stretching, I surveyed the battlefield, Red Bug Lake park. The jogging path circled the entire complex, winding through the ball fields and tennis courts, tracing the near side of the lake. Above me, the osprey nested in the light towers. Near the lake, a pair of sandhill cranes searched for an early dinner. And of course, all over the park, there were bugs. Lots of bugs. Red bugs, green bugs, and an assortment of other colors. The kind of bugs that flew up your nose, the kind that flew into your mouth, and the kind that waited for you to drop your guard so they could crawl into your pants.

I saw Gary on the baseball field closest to the sand volleyball courts. Earlier that morning, Ralph had called to ask Gary if he wanted to meet for a beer under the guise of a potential painting job. When Gary told him he couldn’t because he was coaching Kyle’s little league practice, I did a quick pivot, and the rest of the plan organically fell into place.

“Over there,” I told Ralph. He lifted his hand above his eyes to block out the sun.

Gary’s little league team spread across the baseball diamond. Kyle was staring up at the clouds in left field. His not-girlfriend-not-even-friend-friend Cary from the nature hike was playing shortstop. I saw her mother, Karen, watching from the bleachers.

“Great,” I said.

“What now?” asked Ralph.

I tossed my head in Karen’s direction. “Karen, one of the moms. I think she has a thing for Gary.”

“Must be going around,” Ralph said, just loud enough for me to hear.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I demanded.

“Nothing. Nothing at all.”

Ralph had a tell when he was lying. He would either cover his mouth or rub his forehead. Over the years, I had amassed enough poker winnings from his failed bluff attempts that I could sign Purrfect up for one of those fancy pet day cares. Which I did. Once. But after only forty-seven minutes, one of the pet sitters called me and said that Purrfect wouldn’t stop hissing at Lulu the chihuahua and then scratched Moose, the Doberman Pincher, so I had to come back and pick her up immediately.

“You said the wordnothinglike you meansomething.”

“Is that what you heard?” Ralph yawned and rubbed his forehead.

“Well, if you meantsomethingwhen you saidnothing, then you’re makingsomethingout ofnothing.”

“Or you’re making nothing out of something,” Ralph shot back.

Tired of Ralph’s imaginatively inaccurate innuendos, I said, “Let’s just get this over with.”

---