Page 58 of Perfect Mess

“What’s wrong with being a painter?”

“Nothing. Nothing’s wrong with being a painter. It’s just, if you were, I don’t know, like, say, a doctor, for example. You would have had to go through medical school, take on a certain degree of responsibility. Being a doctor implies intelligence. Being a doctor implies wealth.”

When I looked over at Gary, he had his arms folded. He didn’t look thrilled.

“Look, no offense, but being a painter, well, let’s call it a blank slate. We need to fill in the blanks. For Janet I mean.”

“You said Janet was single, right?”

“Yes. I did say that.”

“And you said she liked me.”

“I said that too.”

“Why don’t you just call her up and say hey, you and Gary should go on a date.”

“That would seem desperate.”

Gary waved at our surroundings. “And this isn’t?”

“Gary. We’ve been over this a hundred times.”

“I only counted ninety-seven.”

“Think of it like an open house.”

“An open house?”

“An open house. It’s a real estate analogy since I’m a real estate agent. You see, most people think the open house is about the house.”

“It’s not about the house?”

“No.”

“Even though it takes place in the house, which has been specifically opened, for the purpose of people going in to the open house.”

“Exactly. You get it now.” I’m not sure that he really did, but I continued anyway. “What the open house is really about is the prospective buyers. Seeing the house is just a lure. A decoy. The prospects think it’s about one thing, but really, it’s about something else entirely.”

“So what is it about, then?”

“Finding the right match for the real estate agent hosting the open house,” I said. “Assessing fit and interest of potential clients. If the buyer displays the right profile,” I pointed to the items in the grocery cart.

“Lactose intolerant vegan?”

“The agent digs a little deeper. How many bedrooms are you looking for? Do you want a pool? What’s your budget? That first meeting, the ‘open house’ if you will, that’s when both parties decide if the relationship should move forward. That crucial first meeting when buyer and seller decide if they’ll go all the way.”

“What kind of real estate agent are you again?”

“The kind that invests the time and energy to find the right match.”

“Seems like a lot of work.”

“Trust me Gary, I’m a professional. This is what I do.”

Gary and I continued looking over the magazines. “How about this one?” He held up a True Crime magazine with a feature story titled “Stalkers!”

I rolled my eyes. “Speaking of professional guidance, we should probably work on your write-up. You know, highlight your feature set. Tell buyers, in this case Janet, what makes you stand apart. What would you say is your best trait?”

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