Page 50 of Perfect Mess

Now I’m not saying the nature walk was anything like those terrible journeys. But I’m not saying it was un-like them either.

“Okay troops!” Gary pointed to the first line on the Nature Hike Checklist. “Our first mission is to find a ladybug and count its spots.”

“Yay!” Cary fast clapped.

“Cool!” Kyle pumped his fist.

“How fun!” Karen’s face beamed with delight.

It took all my effort to keep from vomiting. You see, the Summer Ultimate Kids Camp nature hike was not just an ordinary death march, it was a competition. As Ranger Sarah had said, “Like a scavenger hunt, except instead of collecting objects, you’re collecting observations.” When she said it, I really really really wanted to punch her in the crotch.

The nature hike comprised a series of trails crisscrossing the nature preserve. A letter marked each trail. We started on trail “A”. By the time we got to “Z”, our checklist would be complete.

“How do we know if it’s a ladybug?” Kyle asked.

“Oh, that’s easy,” I answered. “Just turn it over and look between its little bug legs.”

Karen gave me a dirty look. “We need to take this seriously, Mary. The first team back with all the correct answers wins a prize.”

“Maybe it’s a hat to match our shirts,” I said. “Or even better, a matching hat and matching socks. Then we would totally suck!” Gary, Karen, Kyle, and Cary all looked at me in their bright orange S.U.K.C shirts. None of them seemed amused.

Eventually we found a ladybug. I was going to turn it over, but after seeing Karen’s face, Gary shook his head and made a slashing motion across his throat.

When we counted the spots, I came up with eleven. Gary counted nine. We went with Karen’s number, which was seventeen. Then, when Karen saw Gary’s handwriting, she volunteered to write all future answers going forward. She also generously offered to hold the checklist for us and read all the questions. And although not verbally stated, but universally assumed, Karen would also take on the responsibility of answering all the questions, either with or without the input of the group. Preferably without.

We hiked from trail “A” to trail “B” answering more questions along the way. Trails “C” and “D” meandered along a small stream.

“Next question,” said Karen. “List three things that can make a stream’s water turn brown.” The stream beside the trail was indeed brown, the same color as iced tea.

“I know this one,” I said. “Fish poop. Frog poop.” I pointed to the river of tea. “Kids, what other animals poop in a river?”

“Beavers?” Kyle suggested.

“Excellent Kyle. Beavers. Beavers probably poop in the water all the time.” I turned to Karen. “Fish poop, frog poop, and beaver poop.”

Karen said, “I’m going to write leaves, sticks, and mud.” And that was the end of that.

I leaned in close to Kyle, “Speaking of sticks in the mud.” Kyle giggled.

“How about a little break?” Gary suggested, pointing to a couple of benches along the path. “I think some of us need a time out.” He looked at me when he said it.

Karen looked at her watch. “Maybe just a quick one. Five minutes. Tops.”

ChapterTwelve

Gary pulled a handful of granola bars out of his cargo shorts. “Who’s hungry? Sorry, they may be a little melty.” I was hungry, but not hungry enough to eat melted food that came out of Gary’s pants. “At least take a water.” Gary pulled a couple of bottles from his pack.

I had been guzzling water all morning to mitigate the pounding in my head from the previous night’s hangover, but I still felt dehydrated. I downed the first bottle in a couple of big gulps. Gary handed me another.

“Thanks.”

“You know those are bad for the environment, Mary,” Karen noted. “You should really use reusable water bottles.” I considered pointing out that, technically, it wasn’t me who brought the Earth-destroying plastic water bottle, but I was pretty sure Karen would blame me, regardless.

While everyone else enjoyed a snack, I strolled over to the edge of the creek, sipping my sea turtle murdering water bottle. To Karen’s credit, there were indeed a lot of sticks and leaves in the creek and I didn’t see any poop floating by, beaver or otherwise. A bit of a breeze rustled the leaves and a blanket of shade shielded me from the sun. The water babbled as it splashed against the rocks. The air smelled like pine. I wondered if that was what relaxing felt like.

The reason I had stepped away from the group was to give myself time to think. I needed to get a moment alone with Gary, so I could convince him to help me with my plan. The plan? It was simple, really. Janet plus Gary equals Mary plus Jack.

You see, Janet and Gary should have been together from the beginning. Janet liked Gary back in high school, so there was already an attraction, or at least the potential to rekindle one. They were both nice. They were both kind of nerdy based on the Dungeons and Dragons thing. And best of all, Gary had a kid and Janet talked about having kids of her own one day all the time.

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