Page 40 of Perfect Mess

“Janet …” I began.

“No Mary, stop. I know what you’re going to say.”Run away as far from Jack as you can. So I can have him.“You’re going to tell me to take things slow. That I always rush into a relationship and things go too fast and then I end up getting hurt.”

“Right,” I agreed. “That’s exactly what I was going to say. Verbatim. Every time you get involved with someone, you think you’re in love and then before you know it, you’re lying on your bathroom floor freebasing rocky road ice cream. Literally, every time.”

“Not every time,” said Janet. “Sometimes it’s mint chocolate chip.”

Ralph came in for the assist, swallowing another bite of fried mac and cheese. “For once in her life, Janet, I think Mary’s right. Jack isn’t …” Ralph tapped his throat to get the rest of the mac and cheese down. “Wow, that’s gooey.”

“I know Mary’s right,” Janet said, capitalizing on the pause in the conversation. “Which is why I’m doing a thirty-day plan.”

“A thirty-day plan?” I asked.

“A thirty-day plan,” she confirmed. “I saw it on TikTok.”

Ralph coughed. “What’s a thirty-day plan?”

“Thirty days of friendship only. No intimate physical contact. No kissing. Certainly nothing below the belt.”

“And this is a real thing?”

“Supposedly they do it in Gen Z.” We all rolled our eyes. “That way, you get to see if you’re compatible. See if you really connect. Without all the sex stuff and hormones messing with your head.”

I had to admit, the idea made sense. Even if it was a Gen Z thing.

Before Ralph and I could probe further, Jack arrived with the beers.

“A toast,” he said, distributing the bottles. “To old friends.” We clinked bottles, then poured beer down our throats.

“To new friends.” Janet hoisted her bottle, and we drank again.

“To making good choices.” Ralph looked pointedly at Janet. Then at me.

“To friends who intervene when you don’t make good choices.” I looked pointedly at Ralph.

“Now who’s ready to get their axe on?” asked Jack.

“Whoo! Me!” Janet raised her hand. Jack passed out the remaining beers from the bucket and we headed for the cage.

* * *

One of themany life lessons I have learned over the years is that you should never make an important life decision when you are too tired, too angry, or too drunk to think clearly. Especially when you are all three. For example, signing up for a “free” four days, three nights exclusive vacation offer where they try to sell you a time-share in Branson, Missouri. Or going all-in on a new hair color you ordered online from Vietnam. Or plotting strategies to orchestrate the manipulation of your best friend’s love life, as well as your own.

But, after getting home late that night from Axe 2 Grinder, and seeing Janet flirt with Jack all night, I was too drunk, too tired, and too pissed off to remember any lessons, life altering or otherwise. I started texting Gary as soon as I got home.

MARY:

r u up???

it’s mary

mary yearns

sorry spel correct

of course it does not correct spell

burns

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