Page 39 of Perfect Mess

“And he builds things. With his hands.”

“What things?”

“I don’t know, wooden things. Probably toy trains for orphans. And pergolas.”

Ralph shook his head. “Total prick.”

“Do you know, he studied massage in Bangladesh? Bangladesh!”

“How do you even know that?” I tried my best to stay cool under Ralph’s judgmental gaze, but he knew me too well. He saw right through the charade. “Oh my God, you’re still obsessed with him.”

“No,” I said. Even I thought I sounded unconvincing. As a lawyer, Ralph had developed a sixth sense when it came to reading people’s true intentions and figuring out the truth. So while my bluff had worked well enough for now with Janet, Ralph wasn’t fooled.

“You want him for yourself.” The way Ralph said it made it clear it wasn’t a question.

“Better me than Janet,” I blurted, before my self respect filter could kick in. “He’ll chew her up and spit her out.”

“Mary, think about it. You said he’s a gynecologist. What kind of man makes a career choice to look at women’s vulvas all day?”

“You know I dated a chiropractor once. His back rubs were fantastic.” My eyes got dreamy.

Our conversation was interrupted by a waitress hoisting a large tray of food. “Your cute friend over there ordered a couple of apps for the table.”

“Apps? What apps?” Ralph was visibly salivating at the mouth.

The waitress set the platters down. “Pulled pork nachos, mac & cheese balls, fried pickles.”

Jack gave us a thumbs up from the bar, then resumed talking to the big breasted bartender.

Ralph saluted him. “Perhaps I judged the fine Dr. Thompson a wee bit too hastily.” Ralph stuffed his mouth with an entire mac and cheese ball. “I’m just surprised Janet didn’t go after Gary instead.”

“Gary?”

Ralph nodded. “The dungeon master. Your painter. You told her he told you to tell her he said ‘hi’, right? That’s total code for Mary, please set us up.”

I had a major Homer Simpson Doh moment. I had been so focused on thinking about Jack, the thought of Janet and Gary still having any interest in one another never even occurred to me.

Ralph slathered one of the tortilla chips with pulled pork and nacho cheese. Thankfully, he was careful to avoid the sour cream. “I mean, she was in love with him back in high school. Almost as bad as you were in love with Jack.” Ralph took a bite of a fried pickle. “Pretty sure he was really into her too.”

“How could you even tell? He was so quiet. And lanky. And nerdy.”

Ralph scooped another nacho chip into a puddle of barbecue sauce. “Didn’t you ever find it odd that whenever we found a dragon’s cave, you and I would get incinerated and Janet would end up with all the treasure?”

Before I could interrogate Ralph further, Janet came back with the waivers. “We’re good to go. The axe throwing cage is all ours.”

Janet nodded her head toward the bar, where Jack was coming over with the beer bucket. “So. Ralph.” She was smiling ear to ear. “What do you think?”

“That drinking and sharply edged weapons are not a good mix.”

“No, I mean about me and Jack. I think I might ask him out.”

Ralph had his lawyer's face on. Like he was cross-examining a witness trying to catch them in a lie. “I don’t think you should rush into anything,” he said. “Maybe, you know, keep your options open. Play the field.”

“Yes,” I agreed. “What Ralph said.”

“I’ve played the field,” Janet replied. “Outfield. Infield. Pitcher. Catcher. Ball boy. I’m tired of playing the field. Maybe I need to think about settling down. My biological clock is ticking.”

Ralph and I exchanged a look.

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