Page 24 of Perfect Mess

Gary, the neighbor woman, and Purrfect all looked at me like I had suggested we steal the donation box for the special needs children from the orphanage and use it to tip strippers.

“Ha ha. Just kidding,” I said. None of them looked like they believed me, especially Purrfect. Which was smart of her, because I wasn’t kidding. I wasn’t kidding at all.

“I’m sure you and your husband will give her a lovely home,” said the neighbor woman, as she headed back toward her own yard.

“Oh. No. He’s not my husband,” I said.

“Well, that was emphatic,” Gary mumbled, just loud enough for me to hear.

The neighbor woman didn’t seem to believe that either. She had a twinkle in her eye and a knowing smile on her face. Even though she didn’t actually know anything.

“We’re not married,” I said again.

“What you kids do with your relationships these days is your own business,” said the neighbor woman, as she turned and walked away.

“There is no relationship,” I called after her. “There is no business!”

Purrfect thrashed in my arms as the neighbor woman disappeared into her house. In case her feelings about me holding her were not already clear, she let out a long, woeful moan.

“Perfect,” I said.

“No, purrrr-fect,” Gary purred.

“Cute.” Purrfect twisted in my arms and I had to use both hands to keep her from escaping. I knew that if I put her down, she would make her way back into the attic, where enough damage had been done already.

“I better take her home.” I had yet to find a ceiling repair specialist, but it was difficult to make calls when you were trying to wrangle a squirming cat. “You know anything about fixing large holes in flimsy ceilings?”

“No. I’m actually not very handy.”No kidding.“Besides, I think you fired me, remember?”

Actually, I didn’t remember. I had forgotten about firing Gary with all the bedlam and chaos. “Oh yeah. Right.” I felt bad about firing him, but then I remembered his aversion to greige and his wallpaper fetish. Not to mention dumping paint all over me and throwing me through a ceiling. I was well within my rights to fire him. He was lucky I was too lazy to leave a Yelp review.

Purrfect made a sound like an ambulance siren that was running low on batteries. I had to get her back to my apartment before she clawed open my jugular.

“Thanks for …” I racked my brain for something I could say to finish the sentence, but my mind was all blank. I went with “… guilting me into taking in a sociopathic cat.”

“You’re welcome?”

We stood there looking at each other as the silence went from uncomfortable to awkward to weird.

Gary looked like he had something else to say. Whatever it was, I had no interest in hearing it.

I turned and walked away

“Maybe I’ll see you around,” Gary called after me.

“Maybe,” I called back.Not in a million years.

I made my way back to Charlotte and tossed Purrfect in the back seat, eager to put my brief relationship with Gary Wright far behind me and head for home. You know how you hear people say that cats always land on their feet? It isn’t true. When I tossed Purrfect into the back of my BMW, she bounced off the back seat cushion, then landed on her head on the floor.

“Sorry.” She made another moaning sound, then hissed. That one, I suppose, I deserved.

As we pulled out of the driveway, I activated the child safety locks. I figured they would work on cats, too. I didn’t think Purrfect could open the car doors, but I wasn’t taking any chances. Before shifting into drive, I tilted the rearview mirror to look Purrfect in the eyes. “You be good back there, okay? For example, don’t pee on anything.” In hindsight, I should have been more comprehensive in my instructions.

When I first got Charlotte at the dealership, I had splurged. All the options. Upgrades for days. I wanted Charlotte dressed to impress. One of the more expensive options I splurged for was the luxury seating package, which added the multi-contour Napa leather seats.

Named after the company that developed the unique tanning process, a company located in Napa Valley California, I imagined it must somehow involve the cattle ranchers hand feeding the cows wine grapes as the cows reclined on a red cushioned sofa, with a bowl of fresh fruits beside them, so their hides got extra soft and squishy. Napa leather was the seating option of choice for discriminating luxury car buyers.

Turns out, it was also the leather of choice for disgruntled cats. Not to sit upon, but to eat. When I got home and opened the back door, my upgraded seats looked like they had been slathered in honey and then fed to a den of grizzly bears.

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