Page 137 of Perfect Mess

As Janet settledonto the couch in the living room, Gary and I pulled Ralph to the side.

“How bad is it?” I asked.

“So far we’re on our third box of tissues and fourth pint of ice cream. Though being fair, I’m responsible for at least half of the ice cream.”

“You’re eating ice cream too?” I noticed Ralph had bags under his eyes and his wrinkled clothes looked like he had slept in them. Ralph never wore wrinkled clothes. He dry cleaned everything.

“Where’s Karen?” asked Gary.

“Long story.” And from the look on Ralph’s face, I could tell that it was. “A story we better save for another day. One crisis at a time.”

After making Ralph swear to tell us what was going on with him and Karen later, Ralph and Gary went to put on a kettle for tea, correctly realizing that Janet and I needed some time by ourselves to talk.

“What happened?” I asked as soon as Gary and Ralph left the room.

“You were right,” said Janet.

“About what, exactly?”

“He never changed, Mary. Jack Thompson is an asshole. You were right all along.” Janet pulled out her phone and handed it to me. There was a video queued up on the screen.

“What is this?” I asked.

“The security camera footage from the Dungeons and Dragons night,” said Janet. “You know, the night you and Jack … kissed.”

“I remember.” I really didn’t feel like reliving that night, but Janet waited for me to watch whatever she had recorded on her phone.

I took a deep breath and hit play. On screen, I watched every awful moment, cursing myself for how stupid and horrible I had been. I really didn’t want to finish watching it, especially when I saw Jack walking down the book aisle toward the place I was standing on the screen. Especially as Jack and I stood close to one another. Especially the part where he leaned in and …

“Wait a second.” I hit pause on Janet’s phone. When I looked up, her eyes locked onto mine.

That entire night was still a blur. My mind had been going in a million different directions. I couldn’t tell up from down or left from right. The truth was, my memory of everything that happened that night was still in a bit of a fog.

I hit rewind so I could play the video back on Janet’s phone. Then I zoomed in and paused, advancing the image frame by frame. I watched as Jack moved toward me in slow motion, then, clearly, unmistakably, he leaned in to kiss me. In the video, I never moved.

“You see it now, don’t you?”

Slowly, I nodded.

“You didn’t start the kiss,” said Janet. “He was the one who kissed you.”

Watching it with my own eyes, I could see that Janet was right. It didn’t make it any better, though. Shaking my head, I said, “I should have pushed him away. I should have stopped him.”

“Yeah. You should have, Mary.” Janet’s eyes narrowed. “Which is why I’m still mad at you.”

As my eyes settled on my feet, Janet slowly unclenched her fists. “But I think I understand why you didn’t.”

When I looked back up, her expression had softened. She brushed a tear away from the corner of her eye. “I just wish you would have told me you still had feelings for him. If you would have been honest with me from the beginning …”

I laughed out loud, though nothing about it was funny. “I wasn’t even honest with myself.” I took an extra deep breath, still trying to wrap my head around everything that had happened. “Not that it makes any difference now, but they were never the good kind of feelings. The only feelings I ever really had when it came to Jack Thompson were insecurity and doubt.”

Janet reached over and squeezed my hand.

I squeezed her back. "Janet, you're my best friend. You've been there for me through everything, and I betrayed you. I lied to you … I was so wrapped up in my stupid obsession …”

"Jack manipulated both of us,” said Janet. “Like we were some kind of prize in his sick, demented game. He knew exactly what to say to make me think he was truly interested in me. And then, meanwhile, he did just enough to string you along.” Janet shook her head. “I feel like such an idiot."

"You're not the idiot here," I said. "Janet, I am so, so sorry. I know words aren't enough, but I promise you, I will do whatever it takes to make this right between us."

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