Page 128 of Perfect Mess

“Although after all he’s been through, you can’t really blame the guy.” Michelle smiled as she took Joan’s hand. “I mean, if something ever happened to you, I would never open my heart ever again. Too painful to risk getting hurt.” Michelle’s forehead crinkled. “Unless you poisoned me with another marshmallow. Then I would use the life insurance money to go on a cross-country tour of nudist colonies.”

Interrupting once again, I said, “Do you know where Gary is? I really need to talk to him.”

Joan and Michelle exchanged a serious look, then got quiet. Not even another marshmallow reference.

“What?” I asked. The look on their faces made me queasy.

Michelle said, “He went to see Ann today.”

“Ann?”Gary’s wife.

Joan nodded. “It would have been their anniversary today.”

The lump in my throat was the size of a watermelon. Somehow I asked, “Do you know where she is?”

* * *

The graves didn’t lineup in straight, tidy rows like I expected. Some had headstones sticking up out of the grass. Others only had a plaque sunk into the ground, weeds poking up along the edges. Every once in a while, there was a bigger tomb, some with intricate carvings and others with angels on top carved in stone. There were lots of flowers. Roses. Lilies. Carnations. Most of them were dead and rotting, left behind by loved ones as a last farewell.

I would have expected grey skies and thunderclouds to match my mood. But the sky that day was bright blue, the sun a vibrant shade of canary yellow. As I picked my way through the grave sites, I saw an older woman standing next to a grave, just staring off into space. She wasn’t crying. Her shoulders didn’t sag or slump. She just looked numb. I imagined she was there to see her husband. The man she had probably spent her entire life with, and now he was gone. At least she had had someone to grow old with, I thought. At least she had had someone to love.

I found Gary on a bench in the shade. Towering oaks with sprawling branches blanketed the area in shadows. For a minute I considered making some sort of grand gesture. You know, like in the movies. But I didn’t have a boom box to lift over my head. I didn’t own a guitar and I couldn’t sing a song. So I decided to just be … normal … for once. I just walked over. Silently begging the Universe to not let me screw it up. Tears already forming in my eyes.

I just stood there in front of him, waiting for him to say something or even move. I suppose I was lucky he didn’t immediately run away screaming. At least that was something, I thought. After a few moments, I sat down on the bench beside him. He still didn’t run, but he didn’t say anything either. He just sat there quietly, looking off into the distance.

I sat there too. I kept hoping he would say something first because even though I had been racking my brain the entire drive over, I still didn’t have a clue what I could say to make everything right.

Again, I started simple. “I’m sorry.”

Somewhere in the distance, a bird chattered. Across the cemetery, a groundsman raked leaves. Across the infinite cosmos, a billion new galaxies were born and a billion old galaxies died.

Gary stared at the line of ants foraging through the dirt at his feet.

“Say something,” I begged.

“Say something? You want me to say something?” Gary’s eyes were empty. “What do you want me to say?”

What did I want him to say?

Like I had any clue. I couldn’t figure out I wanted to say to him, let alone figure out what I wanted him to say to me. Did I want him to say that he had accepted my apology?Sure, that would be nice.Did I want him to say that he had forgotten all about the horrible things that I had done and everything could go back to how it was?If only.Did I want him to yell at me and scream at me and tell me he never wanted to see me again?No, please no, anything but that.Even if it was exactly what I deserved.

Raking the back of my hand over my face, wiping away the tears, I said, “I want you to say to me what you said before.”

I could see the gears shifting in his head, not quite locking into place. “And what exactly did I say before that you want me to say again?”

“That you want to be with me.” I tried to steady my racing heartbeat, but every blood vessel in my body felt like it was about to burst.

When I first got there, Gary wouldn’t even look at me. Now, he wouldn’t look away. “Why would you want me to say that?”

“Because then I can say …” I dug deep. “… that I want to be with you, too.”

Gary’s eyes flared. The whirlpools became water spouts, erupting high into the air. If he was still breathing, I couldn’t tell. “I thought you didn’t want to be with anyone.”

“I didn’t,” I said, taking another one of those deep breaths. “Until I met you.”

We were only a foot or two away from each other, sitting there on that bench, but we were miles apart. It was like one of those science fiction movies. Where the bad guys are about to blow up the good guys with their giant laser. Until the force field appears. A greenish glow that walls off the Earth and protects humanity. I watched as the greenish glow formed around Gary. Whatever he was thinking, whatever he was feeling, it was now locked up tight.

“I’m sorry I didn’t realize how I really felt a lot sooner. I’m sorry that I hurt you. If I could take it all back, I would.”

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