Page 125 of Perfect Mess

“I just want to make sure he’s okay.”

“Of course he’s not okay. Janet told me what you said about him, too. Something about you and Gary being a disaster? Something about him being unfit because his wife died, and you accused him of getting a divorce?”

I bowed my head in shame. “She heard all that?”

“Yeah. She heard that. She heard everything. She and Gary both.” Ralph shook his head and checked his watch. “I’m late for a deposition.” He stood up and turned to go, unable to even look me in the eye.

But after a few steps, he must have had second thoughts. Took pity on me. He turned back just before he walked out the door. “Look Mary, I think Janet will come around. Eventually. But as far as Gary’s concerned, I think you need to just let him go. I don’t see how you can fix what you did to him.”

I watched as the door closed and Ralph disappeared into the parking lot.

An overwhelming feeling of loneliness washed over me. More powerful than anything I had ever known. My heart physically hurt, like it was crumbling inside my chest. It felt like my lungs were shrinking. I couldn’t breathe. I don’t know if it was a panic attack or anxiety or a complete mental breakdown. All I do know is I wanted to run away as fast as my legs could carry me, or fall down on the floor and sob, or jump up on the table and scream all at the same time.

I had to focus on taking slow, deep breaths until my heart stopped racing. I had been by myself for a long time, of course. Ever since my dad had died. Loneliness wasn’t anything new. But I had never felt anything like that before. Not in my entire life. I was sad, hopeless, and lost.

Sitting there, thinking about Gary, I tried to wrap my head around the fact that I would never see him again. I tried to picture my life without him. Without Kyle.

I couldn’t.

The thought of never seeing Gary again was too painful to comprehend. How was I going to get through it? How could I survive? And that’s the moment I realized it. Sitting there on that couch in the coffee shop alone.

Gary had told me he wanted me, not Janet.

That’s when I realized it.

I realized I wanted him, too.

Was Gary perfect? No. No one is. But he was funny. And kind. And caring. I liked talking to him. I liked listening to him. He was a great dad. He was a great partner. He was a great friend.

I don’t know how long I just sat there, not knowing what to do. If I could just talk to him one more time, maybe I could explain what had happened. Maybe I could come up with some sort of excuse?

But I knew, deep down, there was no excuse for what I had done. Even if I loved him, it was too late to undo what I had done. Ralph was right. I put Gary through enough pain and torment. If I truly loved him, I needed to just let him go.

I know you were expecting a happily ever after.

I hate to be the one to break it to you, but not every story ends happily.

Sometimes, the ending just sucks.

ChapterThirty

It took me a few days to pull myself back together. After using up what little remained of my PTO days, I sulked back into the office. There were papers to sign, ads to post, and an inbox full of email. My eyes went straight to the receipt from Wright Painting Services, waiting near the top. I clicked open. It was an itemized list for the work Gary did at Aunt Catherine’s house. All business. Nothing more. Nothing less.

It had been a while since they had seen me, so Bonnie and Joyce were eager to catch up. Bonnie was planning a trip to Pigeon Forge and asked me if I had ever been to Dollywood. Joyce was planning a train trip through the mountains of Switzerland and asked me if I had ever worn snow shoes. I wasn’t in the mood for chit chatting, so I politely excused myself and hunkered down in my cube with a pair of noise cancelling headphones. The gray partitions walled me off from the world. For the first time in the history of modern office furniture, sitting there in my cubicle felt cozy and safe.

For the rest of the afternoon, I threw myself into my work. Left alone with no one to bother me, I could finally get things done. I scoped out half a dozen properties, got a new listing from a web referral, and returned the backlog of calls to clients and brokers.

I would have loved to have tried the quiet quitting thing, but the remodeling costs for Aunt Catherine’s house were piling up and I had a feeling the credit card companies wouldn’t be so quiet if I quit paying their bills. Gary’s invoice alone wiped out a sizable chunk of my bank account.

Putting all my time and energy into my job turned out to be the best thing I could have done with myself. The more I thought about real estate, the less I thought about Janet and Jack. The less I thought about Gary. I kept crossing things off from my marathon length To-Do list until well after Bonnie and Joyce had gone home. To spend time with their families. Something I didn’t have to worry about. I didn’t even realize how late it was until the janitor turned off the lights.

That night, I plopped down on the couch and turned on the television. You’ll never guess what came on. Family Feud. Because of course it would. Steve Harvey was on fire. Every other answer was probably going to end up on YouTube.

At least Gary wasn’t there to call out the answers before I did. To be honest, it was kind of nice to get some quality time for myself. I could lounge around in my pajamas without worrying about my hair or my make-up. I could eat an entire half gallon of pistachio ice cream, with no one judging me. There was no one there to smell me, so I didn’t even have to shower.

I knew my luck was finally shifting when Purrfect jumped up on the couch with me and didn’t even hiss. Granted, she stuck her butt in my face and whacked me in the head with her tail, but I considered that progress. Once I felt better, I also got my appetite back, even after all the ice cream.

I had put in a long day, and I had accomplished a lot, so I treated myself. I ordered an extra large, extra cheese pizza from Antonio’s, which had their dough shipped in straight from New York, so it was way better than any of the chain places around town. At the last minute, I asked the pizza girl to add spinach, you know, so it would be healthy. The best part was I didn’t have to share it with anybody, so I could have the whole thing to myself.

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