Page 110 of Perfect Mess

As she sang, it looked like she was doing some sort of Channing TatumMagic Mikeroutine.

It wasn’t only Edna’s singing and dancing I had to prepare myself to endure. Even from across the room, I could see Jack, Gary, and Janet talking and laughing. I could only imagine what they had been discussing before I arrived.

“Hey Mary!” The owner of FoxPaw Brewing, Mike, called me over. Mike always let me sample the newest beers before they were officially put into rotation. He and I had become friends over the past couple of years, and not just because I tipped well. I helped Mike sell his old house after his divorce, and then find a reasonably priced condominium. I got him a sweet deal on both, so he had enough money left over to start his new brewery. Now, he was living the dream.

“You gotta try the latest,” Mike said as I moseyed over to the bar. He set a shot glass sized beer sample in front of me.

“What is it?”

“PuckerPaw.”

“PuckerPaw?”

“I’m still working out the name. It’s SourPaw conditioned with espresso beans and vanilla.” Mike smiled devilishly when he saw the concerned look on my face. “Then aged in bourbon barrels.”

I know exactly what you’re thinking. Because I was thinking about it too. The idea of a sour beer, combined with the taste of coffee and vanilla mixed with bourbon, sounded like somebody had let Dr. Frankenstein into the brewhouse. It’s like those houses at Christmas that put out a light-up Santa Claus, a nativity scene with the baby Jesus, and a giant blow-up of the Grinch all together on their front lawn. Blasphemy. I mean, pick a lane, right?

“Try it,” said Mike. “Trust me.” Just as I was about to push the glass away from me in disgust, something Gary said when we were arguing over the wallpaper in Aunt Catherine’s house came to mind. He said that sometimes, just because things don’t seem to go together, they actually end up making something better than if they were just kept to themselves.

I put the glass to my lips. As soon as the beer hit my tongue, my mouth exploded with complimentary flavors. It was sweet, and it was sour. It was light, but also rich. Somehow, all the flavors came together perfectly. It was like a seventy-piece orchestra playing Pearl Jam while Michael Jackson moonwalked across my tongue.

“See? Told you.”

I downed the rest of the sample, holding the glass up over my mouth to suck down every drop.

“Want a full pour?”

“Absolutely.”

Mike poured me a pint. “Just be careful. It’s twice as potent at Sourpaw. Too many of these things and your friends will have to carry you home.”

“Speaking of my friends, I guess I better get this over with.”

“You going to do Justin again tonight?” Mike asked.

“Not a chance,” I replied.

Taking another sip of liquid courage, I made my way across the room toward the engagement party. Edna was just finishing her song, which drew an enormous round of applause from the crowd. Judging by the smile on Edna’s face, I could only assume that she interpreted the outpouring of applause as the crowd thinking that she was indeed sexy, and they were letting her know.

“Mary, you made it!” Mabel was taking the microphone from Edna just as I arrived. “Mary Burns everyone!” The crowd once again applauded, although the applause was neither as loud nor as long as the applause letting Edna know how sexy she was.

“Everyone? Can I have your attention?” Mabel made her way to the center of the stage. “Can I have your attention, please?” The murmurs faded, and a hush fell over the crowd. “I’d like to take a moment to thank the person responsible for bringing us all together here tonight. If it wasn’t for her, none of us would be here. Mary?”

I was so busy watching Janet split her attention between Jack and Gary that I didn’t realize everyone else was looking at me.

Mabel held up her beer. “Cheers, Mary.” Everyone raised their glasses and took a sip. I swallowed down a mouthful of the PuckerPaw as Mabel continued, “I just wanted to say thank you, Mary. Thank you for giving me Dick.”

“Huh?” I almost spit out my drink.

Everyone in the entire brewery was staring as Mabel continued. “Now, Dick is waiting for me every Friday night after bingo. I wake up with Dick every morning. And Dick is the last thing I see every night before I go to bed. I fell in love with Dick thanks to Mary. And I’ve had a smile on my face ever since. To Mary!” Again Mabel raised her beer glass. But this time, everyone was too busy staring at me to follow suit. I downed the rest of my beer in one long chug.

By the time I made it back to the bar, Mike already had a second PuckerPaw waiting for me. “That was some toast.”

“Is that what that was?” I took a gulp of the freshly poured beer.

“Hey Mary,” Janet followed me to the bar. “Gary asked if you could get him a SourPaw while you’re over here and Jack wants a Blue Hawaiian.”

“It’s a brewery, Janet,” I said. “They don’t have rum or blue Curaçao. They have beer.”

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